Day 264

I had a friend tell me once while I was having a hard time with certain situations "if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change."

How did I see church? It was the primary way I found Jesus. Primary. I felt I needed an experience to sustain me. God was outside of myself and I needed to go somewhere to find Him.

After 18 years of going to church to find God, church failed me because church was never meant to function the way I wanted it to. So why did I almost stop? Cause I was selfish.

Then I started looking at things differently and somehow they changed. Instead of God being outside of myself, He was inside me, a part of me. Jesus not only took away my sins, He REPLACED my sinful nature with a pure righteous nature. His nature. He is now a part of me. I don't have to look for Him. I just have to connect. Get to know Him. Listen when He speaks. Follow Him (cause He knows better than me). I rest in God. It is what I was made for.

So why do I go to church? because although it is not THE way to find God, I want to celebrate God's grace and love! I wanna share my LIFE with these people. For a while I didn't trust some people. It became a catch-22. I didn't trust them and I felt they didn't have my back cause I didn't trust them cause they didn't have my back. Then I decided to step out and be the first to trust. Almost immediately things changed. Now I am confident in their desire to protect me. Stepping out wasn't really about them. It was about God. He is trustworthy. He'll heal the pain inflicted on me. I'll go to Him. I won't depend on my church people to heal me.

Transformation occurred when I let go; I let go and I threw myself in total abandon and trust to God. I went from feeling total and complete loneliness to acceptance into a group of people who will drop what they are doing to support me and pick me up when I fall. I tripped a little yesterday. They saw it and ran to me, grabbed my arm and said, "keep going. Don't forget who you are. Don't forget God's words to you. We'll help you be strong. God will be strong through our weakness."

Now I love church. I look around and see broken people, yes, but I look deeper and I see Jesus in them. In some it is really deep. But I see it and I'll pull it out. I'll find it and declare it. THIS is who you are. Not that broken heart. You are not your broken heart. You are the righteousness of Christ.

Day 257

Today I feel anger and discouragement. Today I have questions, questions I'm not afraid to ask my Creator. Why? Why can't I see what You've promised is true? How many times have I seen something slip through my hand that I thought You gave me? Why do past failures haunt me when I am forgiven? How do I let out what is truly inside? Am I supposed to be content with just questions; no answers?

These questions are what is swirling around in my head. The only thing I hear is: "Before the foundation of the world, I knew you, I wanted you, I LOVED you. Nothing has changed. I AM your Provider. I AM your good Father. I AM your Protector. I AM the Keeper of your heart. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me."

Day 243

There's this whole idea in Christianity that I have to surrender. I was always taught to sacrifice, to do no wrong, to walk the narrow path.

Why?

I found the reason. And the correct paradigm. The point is not giving up what I want to keep. The point is the exchange. If I'm holding on to a small box filled with goodies, I can't have the HUGE box filled with gourmet chocolates. God asked me to give up the small box of tootsie rolls and hershey bars but before He could tell me the exchange I just said no! I'm keeping my candy! He stood there, waiting for me to get over my fit and asked me to set it down. Another fit. Another request. Finally I put it down. Then there was an exchange! I didn't come up empty. I came up more full than before with better quality treats!

That's how God works. He just keeps giving. I lay something down, He replaces it with something better.