Day 264

I had a friend tell me once while I was having a hard time with certain situations "if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change."

How did I see church? It was the primary way I found Jesus. Primary. I felt I needed an experience to sustain me. God was outside of myself and I needed to go somewhere to find Him.

After 18 years of going to church to find God, church failed me because church was never meant to function the way I wanted it to. So why did I almost stop? Cause I was selfish.

Then I started looking at things differently and somehow they changed. Instead of God being outside of myself, He was inside me, a part of me. Jesus not only took away my sins, He REPLACED my sinful nature with a pure righteous nature. His nature. He is now a part of me. I don't have to look for Him. I just have to connect. Get to know Him. Listen when He speaks. Follow Him (cause He knows better than me). I rest in God. It is what I was made for.

So why do I go to church? because although it is not THE way to find God, I want to celebrate God's grace and love! I wanna share my LIFE with these people. For a while I didn't trust some people. It became a catch-22. I didn't trust them and I felt they didn't have my back cause I didn't trust them cause they didn't have my back. Then I decided to step out and be the first to trust. Almost immediately things changed. Now I am confident in their desire to protect me. Stepping out wasn't really about them. It was about God. He is trustworthy. He'll heal the pain inflicted on me. I'll go to Him. I won't depend on my church people to heal me.

Transformation occurred when I let go; I let go and I threw myself in total abandon and trust to God. I went from feeling total and complete loneliness to acceptance into a group of people who will drop what they are doing to support me and pick me up when I fall. I tripped a little yesterday. They saw it and ran to me, grabbed my arm and said, "keep going. Don't forget who you are. Don't forget God's words to you. We'll help you be strong. God will be strong through our weakness."

Now I love church. I look around and see broken people, yes, but I look deeper and I see Jesus in them. In some it is really deep. But I see it and I'll pull it out. I'll find it and declare it. THIS is who you are. Not that broken heart. You are not your broken heart. You are the righteousness of Christ.

Day 257

Today I feel anger and discouragement. Today I have questions, questions I'm not afraid to ask my Creator. Why? Why can't I see what You've promised is true? How many times have I seen something slip through my hand that I thought You gave me? Why do past failures haunt me when I am forgiven? How do I let out what is truly inside? Am I supposed to be content with just questions; no answers?

These questions are what is swirling around in my head. The only thing I hear is: "Before the foundation of the world, I knew you, I wanted you, I LOVED you. Nothing has changed. I AM your Provider. I AM your good Father. I AM your Protector. I AM the Keeper of your heart. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me."

Day 243

There's this whole idea in Christianity that I have to surrender. I was always taught to sacrifice, to do no wrong, to walk the narrow path.

Why?

I found the reason. And the correct paradigm. The point is not giving up what I want to keep. The point is the exchange. If I'm holding on to a small box filled with goodies, I can't have the HUGE box filled with gourmet chocolates. God asked me to give up the small box of tootsie rolls and hershey bars but before He could tell me the exchange I just said no! I'm keeping my candy! He stood there, waiting for me to get over my fit and asked me to set it down. Another fit. Another request. Finally I put it down. Then there was an exchange! I didn't come up empty. I came up more full than before with better quality treats!

That's how God works. He just keeps giving. I lay something down, He replaces it with something better.

Day 213

In the last couple months I've been doing so great! I've stayed in the growing stage. I've had peace I haven't had in months. And then, just when I'm nearing the time of amazing breakthrough, all of a sudden things take a turn for the worse. I feel contention rushing back like it never left. I feel like the leak I made was just covered up with harder stone. Any headway I had, lost. Any steps taken on the journey, gone.

I will not be defeated. I will create the atmosphere I WANT. I will no longer allow someone else or another situation dictate how I live MY life and MY home. My home WILL be my sanctuary. I WILL be a carrier of peace and love.

Nice try enemy. I'm not down. Not now. Not ever. "He stands alone. He stands alone. He stands alone. He stands alone. He is coming to rule, coming to reign. He is the King. He is the King. He is coming to rule, coming to reign. Jesus."

Day 204

Here I am, post best friend's wedding, my singleness amplified. My best friend and her new husband run off to their wonderful honeymoon, the beginning of a grand adventure. I go home to alone time. I do not have a pain of lonliness. It's just alone time. My 24 years (so far, almost 25) of alone time.

Rereading that last sentence does not make me feel bad at all. In fact, there is a small part of me that seems to come alive and scream at me to soak up my time to myself. All I have are temporary commitments. Commitments to friends don't take as much out of you as a commitment to a lover. My commitment to my friend was to be there for her on her special day. My commitment to her is to give her a phone call once she is moved in with her new husband. My commitment to her is to go visit her in Vancouver. My commitment to her is to step back and let her grow close with her lover and best friend. A commitment to a lover is a lifetime. It is all of you. All of your energy, all of your time, all of your heart.

"Get ready!" that inner voice screams. "You won't have this for long!" Sure, I'll have someone that is committed to me, to be there for me when I need him and when I want him. But a constant companion has it's downfall. He will be *constant*. No backing out. No guarding my heart, keeping myself away. I will be his, he will be mine. Nothing hidden.

Find that peace. Live in that peace. If you are single, take this time to know yourself. God knows I need to get to know me a little more before I can hand myself over, before I can trust another human being with my life, emotions, body, spirit.

Now, on to my journal, my white wine, my ipod, and my clove. Normally, I would be sharing these with my sister but she's far away. It's ok. This is my alone time. And I will treasure it.

Day 195

I prayed for change. Really, in my mind I prayed for life to go back to "normal," whatever that was before I got depressed. I just wanted joy. But what happened was more than I bargained for, in a good way of course. Depression left me. Good start. Then, it was like I was on a roller coaster, falling in love with my Creator all over again. Just when I thought it would stop, it didn't. It kept going. There was joy and excitement, but, like any roller coaster, if you ride it for too long it is so overwhelming. Then I felt myself under immense pressure. It was a very odd sensation. I was still exhilerated but under pressure.

"I don't understand what I'm feeling. What am I up against? Is this a good thing?" Questionning was the only thing I could do. I had trust but was confused.
"Read My word, get out of bed early, spend time with Me."
I had no idea these were my tools, delicately placed in my hands. I was on this roller coaster, falling in love, desiring time spent with my Love.

"A wall? Why is this wall here?....Oh hey, new friends? Wait, you're up against this wall too? Oh hey, old friends? You're here too?" I finally looked around and noticed the crowd of people at this wall. Some were confused like me, others were pounding away at this cement wall, seemingly indestructable, others were trying to get as far away from the wall as possible and others were behind me and I felt it was my duty to lead them to this wall and put some tools in their hands to help.

I noticed that a few people far off had gotten through the wall. They ran like they had been in prison. But they ran with a purpose. They had a plan. They had more tools than I did. I had an immediate desire to abandon what I was doing and run after the hole they had made. But I noticed the growing dent in front of me I had made. I knew I had to stay and work.

"Is this just for me? I don't feel like I personally need breakthrough. Is there something I'm missing?"
"You're doing this work for more than yourself. Some people will reap the benefit of your sweat and tears. This is what I have called you to do. Do it well."
"Lord, show me why. I want to see why I'm doing this."

I saw not only my portion of the wall fall away but the entire wall crumble, a wall that looked like the Coolee Dam, hundreds of feet high, crumbling as if it was sugar. Suddenly a rushing water flooded the dry and desperate land beneath it. The water kept coming, kept coming, kept coming. I was just a drop of water in this gushing waterfall, doing exactly what God had called me to do.

So here I stand, pounding away at this wall. Some days I'm weary. Some days I have a rush of energy. Some days I want to sit on my ass and pretend that there is no wall. Some days I want to run away from the wall and live an apathetic existense. Most days I get encouragement from my friends next to me along the wall. "Hey Nikki, look at this tool I found. You should use it too!" or "Hey Nikki, I have too much water, would you like a drink?" During the night, the light never fades. My lamp is always filled with oil, never running dry, illuminating the work to be done.

Know that I am doing well. Know that I need encouragement from time to time. Know that I am hard at work for "the family" (not the mob lol). Know that I am praying for you if I say I am. Know that you can ask me to pray for you and I will. Know that I am fighting.

Get ready. Whether you like it or not, in some way you are going to be effected by this flood. I know it with every part of me.

Day 192

"God determines who walks into your life...its up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."

Sometimes we make the wrong choice. Sometimes we allow people to walk out of our life who should have stuck around and made you grow. Fear holds you back. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt. I am faced with that choice. Do I let someone go because I'm afraid?

Sometimes we refuse to let go of people we should have let go a long time ago. But maybe that person has a power over you and, again, you have fear.

Sometimes (actually all the time, if we take. Moment to listen), God gives us the wisdom to make the choice that is good for us based on faith and love, not fear. If my choice is based on fear, its the wrong choice. If its based on faith and love, its more than likely a good decision.

God is continuing to grow my faith like never before. Pretty soon there will be no room for fear; there will only be room for faith and love. I can't wait for that day.

Until then, I will be crying my fear out and doing my best to love God with all that I have.