Here I am, post best friend's wedding, my singleness amplified. My best friend and her new husband run off to their wonderful honeymoon, the beginning of a grand adventure. I go home to alone time. I do not have a pain of lonliness. It's just alone time. My 24 years (so far, almost 25) of alone time.
Rereading that last sentence does not make me feel bad at all. In fact, there is a small part of me that seems to come alive and scream at me to soak up my time to myself. All I have are temporary commitments. Commitments to friends don't take as much out of you as a commitment to a lover. My commitment to my friend was to be there for her on her special day. My commitment to her is to give her a phone call once she is moved in with her new husband. My commitment to her is to go visit her in Vancouver. My commitment to her is to step back and let her grow close with her lover and best friend. A commitment to a lover is a lifetime. It is all of you. All of your energy, all of your time, all of your heart.
"Get ready!" that inner voice screams. "You won't have this for long!" Sure, I'll have someone that is committed to me, to be there for me when I need him and when I want him. But a constant companion has it's downfall. He will be *constant*. No backing out. No guarding my heart, keeping myself away. I will be his, he will be mine. Nothing hidden.
Find that peace. Live in that peace. If you are single, take this time to know yourself. God knows I need to get to know me a little more before I can hand myself over, before I can trust another human being with my life, emotions, body, spirit.
Now, on to my journal, my white wine, my ipod, and my clove. Normally, I would be sharing these with my sister but she's far away. It's ok. This is my alone time. And I will treasure it.
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