Day 137

Being in the fire is never easy. It is painful, scarring. We ask for the fire but do we really want it? The minute we get it all we ask is for God to get us out. But that's right where He wants us. Burning away the junk that doesn't matter, the junk that hinders us and keeps us fragile. As you stay with it everything is burned away and Jesus is left.

"So I'll stand with my whole desire in the middle of this forest fire til I've nothing left to show and new life begins to grow."

Its not that God wants me to suffer. He loves me without the fire. But He wants me to have the fullness of what He has for me and I stand in the way of that. So I'm pushing through. I'm not running away from the flames. I'm sticking around until God gives me what He has promised. I'm gonna be persistent. No giving up. Ever.

Day 135

After a good 2 months of good times, I feel life crashing again. Stress upon stress in every area it feels like. To end 2 hard weeks, I had to come down with a head cold, which I'm realizing now is actually allergies. I was feeling fine in the morning and evening but afternoon was baaad. If it's a cold, usually it's the opposite. I digress..

Sometimes when you get to this kind of place, it's easy to stay there. It's easy to whine, complain, get some pity from others. But if I believe what I say I believe, that is not the place to stay. If I believe that God answers my prayers and if I believe that my words have power, why would I curse myself? Why would I focus on the bad stuff?

The other day I had a panic attack. I sent a text to a few people close to me, asking for prayer. On my way to work I was crying, and having a hard time breathing. I could have easily stayed in that mindset and called in sick to work. I could have come home and kept freaking out til I fell asleep. What good would have that done? Instead, I believed that the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ were powerful. About 2 minutes from work, I calmed down completely. As sudden as the attack started, it stopped. I walked into work with a clear mind, a clear face and a smile. Only Jesus could have done that.

So I will take my day off tomorrow to spend time with Jesus. To allow Him to restore my strength. Pray for me if you think about it, and I always love to hear others prayer requests =)

Day 133

My grandmother gave me this verse to declare over my life:

I have made the earth, and created man [and Nikki] upon it, I, even my hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded. I have raised [her] up in righteousness, and iwill make all [her] ways straight. [she] shall build my city, and [she] shall let go my captives, not for price or reward, saith the Lord of hosts

Isaiah 45:11-13

Day 120

What does it take for God to show up in a room, in a situation, in brokenness, in a person? Does it take me praying? Does it take an open vessel or multiple open vessels? Does it just have to be the right time and the right place? And if it has nothing to do with me, what is God waiting for? Sometimes I relate to Psalm 10:1 that says, "Why do You stand afar off, O Lord? Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?" I guess the answer is always unknown and always will be unknown. His ways are higher than mine, His thoughts are higher than mine. Something I've been thinking a lot on lately is how hard it is sometimes to believe the truth when circumstances dictate something other than that truth. But if the truth never changes, then I just have to tell myself what to believe.