Day 177

Over halfway through....Here's a summary...

I have been overwhelmed with the amount of revelation I have received from the Lord in the last 6 months. I think I would need a book to fully explain. It's all getting written down in my journal though, so maybe someday a book will come out of it. To think about where I was a year ago is to remember darkness, depression, loneliness. I was beginning the road downhill, not knowing it would lead to despair. I felt like I would never amount or At the same exact time, God placed me in a job with a boss who was so full of joy and faith. It is the kind of joy and faith that is childlike. There is no room for depression and unbelief. So, for 3-4 hours a day I was surrounded by that. Then I would go home and it was as if the darkness was waiting outside, unable to touch me until I left the presence of faith and joy. I've said this before but I lost a few very close friends (that were found again later, PTL!) along the way.

Fast forward a few months to January.

...side note... I feel like I've told this story so many times but I'm gonna do it again anyway =)

Anyway, January 2010. God did something that month. He brought me to a place where I was so desperate for Him that I would do anything. I told Him that I would do anything to get rid of the junk I was holding on to. So, with a close friend, we went through every area of darkness in my life. Then we asked God to replace all of those with things of Him. This is what I gained:

acceptance
love
courage
faith
a clear mind
focus
encouragement
freedom
worthiness
healing
wholeness
truth
servanthood
trust
peace
motivation
discipline
joy
confidence
success
purity
restoration

I didn't feel it right away. There were still moments of depression, moments of feeling worthless, moments of feeling dirty. But I strived after God's heart. I ran after it. I *am* running after it. On January 14th, 2010, I wrote in my journal that I was feeling "heavy with the prescence of God. I have felt skin close to Him. I feel Him whispering in my ear. I feel His breath so close, sending shivers up and down my spine." I was finally beginning to experience more of God's passionate, unconditional love for me. I had forgotten it. I had allowed fears of many things to infest my mind. I allowed myself to sink into darkness.

Which brings me to the title of this note. God continually honors. He does not shame. I don't even know if He sees some of the crap that goes on in people. He is looking through an x-ray, only able to see the outline of skin but completely enthralled with the condition of the heart. He saw my heart, the essence of who I am, and He saw WHO I AM, total potential reached. But He also saw the brokenness, the rejection, the shame, the fear. He knew the frail condition of my heart. He offered me this gift of restoration. Didn't force it. That would have created more shame. Instead, he honored ME. He pulled me out of the mud titled "rules."

"Precious, I'm not interested in controlling you. You've already seen what sin does. Trying to follow a list of rules and dos and don'ts is gonna end you up in failure again. Can you just let Me love you with my passionate, sacrifical love? I want YOU above anything else. I want YOU in the condition that YOU are in RIGHT NOW. Just let Me fix you. I took a risk for you. They said I shouldn't do it. They said it wasn't worth it. But I took ONE look at you and said YES! I will take the risk! You are SO worth it!"

He calls me up one step at a time. He's not on top of the mountain screaming "Come on lady, it's cool up here, so you should probably get here soon. Have fun climbling dude." No, He's right next to me, intimately involved in every step. "That would be a good place to step...grab onto that rock...reach for that ledge up there..." And then sometimes my reply is "are you sure? That seems like a pretty far step. I think I'll take this one instead." Then I fall. And He catches me. Without shame, He repeats the directions. "Precious, I know your ability. Trust Me." And I reply "Ok God. I don't think I can do that but I know You created me and You know what I can do. And You will catch me if it doesn't work anyway!"

....another side note....I have been thinking about hiking and mountain climbing a lot lately. God keeps bringing it up in metaphors, and even watching my guilty pleasure, Real World vs Road Rules Fresh Meat II haha! Basically, their elimination rounds consist of hiking up a death trail with a bag of weights on your back. I wanted to be there so bad!...back to my note...

I am free yet fully dependent on Him.
I am only human yet the highest part of hell is under my feet.
I have nothing yet God requires everything of me.
I was born into darkness yet I am transformed into light.

That is all the words I have right now. There is so much more but there are no words to it yet. My prayer is that EVERYONE who reads this will encounter the passionate, sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. Friends living a boring faith - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends feeling oppressed - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends not believing what I am saying - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you.

Don't take my word for it.

Day 175

Psalm 19:7-11
The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making the wise simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; sweeter than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.

I really enjoy the second part of each of those sentences. Restoring the soul, rejoicing the heart, enlightening the eyes, enduring forever, more desirable than gold, sweeter than honey. The first part of each of those carry such negative connotations though. The law, the precepts, the commandment, the fear, the judgments.

My conclusion is that I must have the wrong idea of what the "negative" part means. I think the key to reading and understanding the Bible is to be certain of a few things (that the Bible is true, that God inspired it, that God loves me, etc) and anything that comes against any of those core beliefs are not being interpreted correctly. It creates many wonderful challenges rather than just simply reading. It makes me think deeply and thoroughly about what I'm reading and why it was put there.

I think that's the end for now. I've been up since 4am. This time it wasn't for work! I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep! But I hope this makes one person think. It makes it all worth it.

Day 165

I love that God puts people in my life for me to mentor but they end up teaching me! Aimee is so hungry for more that I am spurred on as well. Our respective fires are causing bonfires for each other. It just keeps growing and growing! My desire and my capacity for more is growing rapidly. It scares me to death but I must lose my life to gain it.

Lord, sweep me up. Give me more of You than I've experienced before. Increase my capacity for You. I hand over my desires to You and ask that You would use me in whatever way possible to bring Your Kingdom to earth.

And a few hours later I got this in a message from a friend: "He has been working on things in your life. He doesn't want you to be afraid as there is a door that is opening for you. When you see it don't question with your fears just take it. He will he using you to heal others."

My God is so good. No other gods compare, no other earthly thing can ever come close.

Day 151

I love learning outside the context of school. It becomes my pace, enveloped in my passion, with my parameters. Sometimes I am my own professor. Other times, my pastor may be or my father or God. Recently, God has been teaching me about marriage. My idealistic views and my cynical views have continued to decline. God has replaced it with what He really wants for my marriage. 2 things have emerged as important.

1) marriage will only happen for me when it brings more glory to God than if I stayed single.

2) I used to think that the good Christian thing to do was allow your spouse to have sole control. Which is why I have run away from any relationship that could possibly be serious. I never would admit that I has this belief but it showed in my actions (there's some cognitive psychology for you). Now I realize that it is a dual ownership, cosigners if you will. And I have to make the choice every day to allow my husband to have ownership alongside me of my dreams, secrets, body, etc. This is what we as humans struggle with in relationship with God. I still and always have control over myself but am I going to allow Jesus dual ownership? Am I going to follow Him, disregarding my independence and selfishness?

More to come I'm sure. I am a lifelong student. I am just glad I'm learning these things while still single rather than struggle in my heart with this stuff while still working out a marriage.