Over halfway through....Here's a summary...
I have been overwhelmed with the amount of revelation I have received from the Lord in the last 6 months. I think I would need a book to fully explain. It's all getting written down in my journal though, so maybe someday a book will come out of it. To think about where I was a year ago is to remember darkness, depression, loneliness. I was beginning the road downhill, not knowing it would lead to despair. I felt like I would never amount or At the same exact time, God placed me in a job with a boss who was so full of joy and faith. It is the kind of joy and faith that is childlike. There is no room for depression and unbelief. So, for 3-4 hours a day I was surrounded by that. Then I would go home and it was as if the darkness was waiting outside, unable to touch me until I left the presence of faith and joy. I've said this before but I lost a few very close friends (that were found again later, PTL!) along the way.
Fast forward a few months to January.
...side note... I feel like I've told this story so many times but I'm gonna do it again anyway =)
Anyway, January 2010. God did something that month. He brought me to a place where I was so desperate for Him that I would do anything. I told Him that I would do anything to get rid of the junk I was holding on to. So, with a close friend, we went through every area of darkness in my life. Then we asked God to replace all of those with things of Him. This is what I gained:
acceptance
love
courage
faith
a clear mind
focus
encouragement
freedom
worthiness
healing
wholeness
truth
servanthood
trust
peace
motivation
discipline
joy
confidence
success
purity
restoration
I didn't feel it right away. There were still moments of depression, moments of feeling worthless, moments of feeling dirty. But I strived after God's heart. I ran after it. I *am* running after it. On January 14th, 2010, I wrote in my journal that I was feeling "heavy with the prescence of God. I have felt skin close to Him. I feel Him whispering in my ear. I feel His breath so close, sending shivers up and down my spine." I was finally beginning to experience more of God's passionate, unconditional love for me. I had forgotten it. I had allowed fears of many things to infest my mind. I allowed myself to sink into darkness.
Which brings me to the title of this note. God continually honors. He does not shame. I don't even know if He sees some of the crap that goes on in people. He is looking through an x-ray, only able to see the outline of skin but completely enthralled with the condition of the heart. He saw my heart, the essence of who I am, and He saw WHO I AM, total potential reached. But He also saw the brokenness, the rejection, the shame, the fear. He knew the frail condition of my heart. He offered me this gift of restoration. Didn't force it. That would have created more shame. Instead, he honored ME. He pulled me out of the mud titled "rules."
"Precious, I'm not interested in controlling you. You've already seen what sin does. Trying to follow a list of rules and dos and don'ts is gonna end you up in failure again. Can you just let Me love you with my passionate, sacrifical love? I want YOU above anything else. I want YOU in the condition that YOU are in RIGHT NOW. Just let Me fix you. I took a risk for you. They said I shouldn't do it. They said it wasn't worth it. But I took ONE look at you and said YES! I will take the risk! You are SO worth it!"
He calls me up one step at a time. He's not on top of the mountain screaming "Come on lady, it's cool up here, so you should probably get here soon. Have fun climbling dude." No, He's right next to me, intimately involved in every step. "That would be a good place to step...grab onto that rock...reach for that ledge up there..." And then sometimes my reply is "are you sure? That seems like a pretty far step. I think I'll take this one instead." Then I fall. And He catches me. Without shame, He repeats the directions. "Precious, I know your ability. Trust Me." And I reply "Ok God. I don't think I can do that but I know You created me and You know what I can do. And You will catch me if it doesn't work anyway!"
....another side note....I have been thinking about hiking and mountain climbing a lot lately. God keeps bringing it up in metaphors, and even watching my guilty pleasure, Real World vs Road Rules Fresh Meat II haha! Basically, their elimination rounds consist of hiking up a death trail with a bag of weights on your back. I wanted to be there so bad!...back to my note...
I am free yet fully dependent on Him.
I am only human yet the highest part of hell is under my feet.
I have nothing yet God requires everything of me.
I was born into darkness yet I am transformed into light.
That is all the words I have right now. There is so much more but there are no words to it yet. My prayer is that EVERYONE who reads this will encounter the passionate, sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. Friends living a boring faith - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends feeling oppressed - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends not believing what I am saying - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you.
Don't take my word for it.
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