I had a friend tell me once while I was having a hard time with certain situations "if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change."
How did I see church? It was the primary way I found Jesus. Primary. I felt I needed an experience to sustain me. God was outside of myself and I needed to go somewhere to find Him.
After 18 years of going to church to find God, church failed me because church was never meant to function the way I wanted it to. So why did I almost stop? Cause I was selfish.
Then I started looking at things differently and somehow they changed. Instead of God being outside of myself, He was inside me, a part of me. Jesus not only took away my sins, He REPLACED my sinful nature with a pure righteous nature. His nature. He is now a part of me. I don't have to look for Him. I just have to connect. Get to know Him. Listen when He speaks. Follow Him (cause He knows better than me). I rest in God. It is what I was made for.
So why do I go to church? because although it is not THE way to find God, I want to celebrate God's grace and love! I wanna share my LIFE with these people. For a while I didn't trust some people. It became a catch-22. I didn't trust them and I felt they didn't have my back cause I didn't trust them cause they didn't have my back. Then I decided to step out and be the first to trust. Almost immediately things changed. Now I am confident in their desire to protect me. Stepping out wasn't really about them. It was about God. He is trustworthy. He'll heal the pain inflicted on me. I'll go to Him. I won't depend on my church people to heal me.
Transformation occurred when I let go; I let go and I threw myself in total abandon and trust to God. I went from feeling total and complete loneliness to acceptance into a group of people who will drop what they are doing to support me and pick me up when I fall. I tripped a little yesterday. They saw it and ran to me, grabbed my arm and said, "keep going. Don't forget who you are. Don't forget God's words to you. We'll help you be strong. God will be strong through our weakness."
Now I love church. I look around and see broken people, yes, but I look deeper and I see Jesus in them. In some it is really deep. But I see it and I'll pull it out. I'll find it and declare it. THIS is who you are. Not that broken heart. You are not your broken heart. You are the righteousness of Christ.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Day 257
Today I feel anger and discouragement. Today I have questions, questions I'm not afraid to ask my Creator. Why? Why can't I see what You've promised is true? How many times have I seen something slip through my hand that I thought You gave me? Why do past failures haunt me when I am forgiven? How do I let out what is truly inside? Am I supposed to be content with just questions; no answers?
These questions are what is swirling around in my head. The only thing I hear is: "Before the foundation of the world, I knew you, I wanted you, I LOVED you. Nothing has changed. I AM your Provider. I AM your good Father. I AM your Protector. I AM the Keeper of your heart. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me."
These questions are what is swirling around in my head. The only thing I hear is: "Before the foundation of the world, I knew you, I wanted you, I LOVED you. Nothing has changed. I AM your Provider. I AM your good Father. I AM your Protector. I AM the Keeper of your heart. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me. Look to Me."
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Day 243
There's this whole idea in Christianity that I have to surrender. I was always taught to sacrifice, to do no wrong, to walk the narrow path.
Why?
I found the reason. And the correct paradigm. The point is not giving up what I want to keep. The point is the exchange. If I'm holding on to a small box filled with goodies, I can't have the HUGE box filled with gourmet chocolates. God asked me to give up the small box of tootsie rolls and hershey bars but before He could tell me the exchange I just said no! I'm keeping my candy! He stood there, waiting for me to get over my fit and asked me to set it down. Another fit. Another request. Finally I put it down. Then there was an exchange! I didn't come up empty. I came up more full than before with better quality treats!
That's how God works. He just keeps giving. I lay something down, He replaces it with something better.
Why?
I found the reason. And the correct paradigm. The point is not giving up what I want to keep. The point is the exchange. If I'm holding on to a small box filled with goodies, I can't have the HUGE box filled with gourmet chocolates. God asked me to give up the small box of tootsie rolls and hershey bars but before He could tell me the exchange I just said no! I'm keeping my candy! He stood there, waiting for me to get over my fit and asked me to set it down. Another fit. Another request. Finally I put it down. Then there was an exchange! I didn't come up empty. I came up more full than before with better quality treats!
That's how God works. He just keeps giving. I lay something down, He replaces it with something better.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Day 213
In the last couple months I've been doing so great! I've stayed in the growing stage. I've had peace I haven't had in months. And then, just when I'm nearing the time of amazing breakthrough, all of a sudden things take a turn for the worse. I feel contention rushing back like it never left. I feel like the leak I made was just covered up with harder stone. Any headway I had, lost. Any steps taken on the journey, gone.
I will not be defeated. I will create the atmosphere I WANT. I will no longer allow someone else or another situation dictate how I live MY life and MY home. My home WILL be my sanctuary. I WILL be a carrier of peace and love.
Nice try enemy. I'm not down. Not now. Not ever. "He stands alone. He stands alone. He stands alone. He stands alone. He is coming to rule, coming to reign. He is the King. He is the King. He is coming to rule, coming to reign. Jesus."
I will not be defeated. I will create the atmosphere I WANT. I will no longer allow someone else or another situation dictate how I live MY life and MY home. My home WILL be my sanctuary. I WILL be a carrier of peace and love.
Nice try enemy. I'm not down. Not now. Not ever. "He stands alone. He stands alone. He stands alone. He stands alone. He is coming to rule, coming to reign. He is the King. He is the King. He is coming to rule, coming to reign. Jesus."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 204
Here I am, post best friend's wedding, my singleness amplified. My best friend and her new husband run off to their wonderful honeymoon, the beginning of a grand adventure. I go home to alone time. I do not have a pain of lonliness. It's just alone time. My 24 years (so far, almost 25) of alone time.
Rereading that last sentence does not make me feel bad at all. In fact, there is a small part of me that seems to come alive and scream at me to soak up my time to myself. All I have are temporary commitments. Commitments to friends don't take as much out of you as a commitment to a lover. My commitment to my friend was to be there for her on her special day. My commitment to her is to give her a phone call once she is moved in with her new husband. My commitment to her is to go visit her in Vancouver. My commitment to her is to step back and let her grow close with her lover and best friend. A commitment to a lover is a lifetime. It is all of you. All of your energy, all of your time, all of your heart.
"Get ready!" that inner voice screams. "You won't have this for long!" Sure, I'll have someone that is committed to me, to be there for me when I need him and when I want him. But a constant companion has it's downfall. He will be *constant*. No backing out. No guarding my heart, keeping myself away. I will be his, he will be mine. Nothing hidden.
Find that peace. Live in that peace. If you are single, take this time to know yourself. God knows I need to get to know me a little more before I can hand myself over, before I can trust another human being with my life, emotions, body, spirit.
Now, on to my journal, my white wine, my ipod, and my clove. Normally, I would be sharing these with my sister but she's far away. It's ok. This is my alone time. And I will treasure it.
Rereading that last sentence does not make me feel bad at all. In fact, there is a small part of me that seems to come alive and scream at me to soak up my time to myself. All I have are temporary commitments. Commitments to friends don't take as much out of you as a commitment to a lover. My commitment to my friend was to be there for her on her special day. My commitment to her is to give her a phone call once she is moved in with her new husband. My commitment to her is to go visit her in Vancouver. My commitment to her is to step back and let her grow close with her lover and best friend. A commitment to a lover is a lifetime. It is all of you. All of your energy, all of your time, all of your heart.
"Get ready!" that inner voice screams. "You won't have this for long!" Sure, I'll have someone that is committed to me, to be there for me when I need him and when I want him. But a constant companion has it's downfall. He will be *constant*. No backing out. No guarding my heart, keeping myself away. I will be his, he will be mine. Nothing hidden.
Find that peace. Live in that peace. If you are single, take this time to know yourself. God knows I need to get to know me a little more before I can hand myself over, before I can trust another human being with my life, emotions, body, spirit.
Now, on to my journal, my white wine, my ipod, and my clove. Normally, I would be sharing these with my sister but she's far away. It's ok. This is my alone time. And I will treasure it.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Day 195
I prayed for change. Really, in my mind I prayed for life to go back to "normal," whatever that was before I got depressed. I just wanted joy. But what happened was more than I bargained for, in a good way of course. Depression left me. Good start. Then, it was like I was on a roller coaster, falling in love with my Creator all over again. Just when I thought it would stop, it didn't. It kept going. There was joy and excitement, but, like any roller coaster, if you ride it for too long it is so overwhelming. Then I felt myself under immense pressure. It was a very odd sensation. I was still exhilerated but under pressure.
"I don't understand what I'm feeling. What am I up against? Is this a good thing?" Questionning was the only thing I could do. I had trust but was confused.
"Read My word, get out of bed early, spend time with Me."
I had no idea these were my tools, delicately placed in my hands. I was on this roller coaster, falling in love, desiring time spent with my Love.
"A wall? Why is this wall here?....Oh hey, new friends? Wait, you're up against this wall too? Oh hey, old friends? You're here too?" I finally looked around and noticed the crowd of people at this wall. Some were confused like me, others were pounding away at this cement wall, seemingly indestructable, others were trying to get as far away from the wall as possible and others were behind me and I felt it was my duty to lead them to this wall and put some tools in their hands to help.
I noticed that a few people far off had gotten through the wall. They ran like they had been in prison. But they ran with a purpose. They had a plan. They had more tools than I did. I had an immediate desire to abandon what I was doing and run after the hole they had made. But I noticed the growing dent in front of me I had made. I knew I had to stay and work.
"Is this just for me? I don't feel like I personally need breakthrough. Is there something I'm missing?"
"You're doing this work for more than yourself. Some people will reap the benefit of your sweat and tears. This is what I have called you to do. Do it well."
"Lord, show me why. I want to see why I'm doing this."
I saw not only my portion of the wall fall away but the entire wall crumble, a wall that looked like the Coolee Dam, hundreds of feet high, crumbling as if it was sugar. Suddenly a rushing water flooded the dry and desperate land beneath it. The water kept coming, kept coming, kept coming. I was just a drop of water in this gushing waterfall, doing exactly what God had called me to do.
So here I stand, pounding away at this wall. Some days I'm weary. Some days I have a rush of energy. Some days I want to sit on my ass and pretend that there is no wall. Some days I want to run away from the wall and live an apathetic existense. Most days I get encouragement from my friends next to me along the wall. "Hey Nikki, look at this tool I found. You should use it too!" or "Hey Nikki, I have too much water, would you like a drink?" During the night, the light never fades. My lamp is always filled with oil, never running dry, illuminating the work to be done.
Know that I am doing well. Know that I need encouragement from time to time. Know that I am hard at work for "the family" (not the mob lol). Know that I am praying for you if I say I am. Know that you can ask me to pray for you and I will. Know that I am fighting.
Get ready. Whether you like it or not, in some way you are going to be effected by this flood. I know it with every part of me.
"I don't understand what I'm feeling. What am I up against? Is this a good thing?" Questionning was the only thing I could do. I had trust but was confused.
"Read My word, get out of bed early, spend time with Me."
I had no idea these were my tools, delicately placed in my hands. I was on this roller coaster, falling in love, desiring time spent with my Love.
"A wall? Why is this wall here?....Oh hey, new friends? Wait, you're up against this wall too? Oh hey, old friends? You're here too?" I finally looked around and noticed the crowd of people at this wall. Some were confused like me, others were pounding away at this cement wall, seemingly indestructable, others were trying to get as far away from the wall as possible and others were behind me and I felt it was my duty to lead them to this wall and put some tools in their hands to help.
I noticed that a few people far off had gotten through the wall. They ran like they had been in prison. But they ran with a purpose. They had a plan. They had more tools than I did. I had an immediate desire to abandon what I was doing and run after the hole they had made. But I noticed the growing dent in front of me I had made. I knew I had to stay and work.
"Is this just for me? I don't feel like I personally need breakthrough. Is there something I'm missing?"
"You're doing this work for more than yourself. Some people will reap the benefit of your sweat and tears. This is what I have called you to do. Do it well."
"Lord, show me why. I want to see why I'm doing this."
I saw not only my portion of the wall fall away but the entire wall crumble, a wall that looked like the Coolee Dam, hundreds of feet high, crumbling as if it was sugar. Suddenly a rushing water flooded the dry and desperate land beneath it. The water kept coming, kept coming, kept coming. I was just a drop of water in this gushing waterfall, doing exactly what God had called me to do.
So here I stand, pounding away at this wall. Some days I'm weary. Some days I have a rush of energy. Some days I want to sit on my ass and pretend that there is no wall. Some days I want to run away from the wall and live an apathetic existense. Most days I get encouragement from my friends next to me along the wall. "Hey Nikki, look at this tool I found. You should use it too!" or "Hey Nikki, I have too much water, would you like a drink?" During the night, the light never fades. My lamp is always filled with oil, never running dry, illuminating the work to be done.
Know that I am doing well. Know that I need encouragement from time to time. Know that I am hard at work for "the family" (not the mob lol). Know that I am praying for you if I say I am. Know that you can ask me to pray for you and I will. Know that I am fighting.
Get ready. Whether you like it or not, in some way you are going to be effected by this flood. I know it with every part of me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Day 192
"God determines who walks into your life...its up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go."
Sometimes we make the wrong choice. Sometimes we allow people to walk out of our life who should have stuck around and made you grow. Fear holds you back. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt. I am faced with that choice. Do I let someone go because I'm afraid?
Sometimes we refuse to let go of people we should have let go a long time ago. But maybe that person has a power over you and, again, you have fear.
Sometimes (actually all the time, if we take. Moment to listen), God gives us the wisdom to make the choice that is good for us based on faith and love, not fear. If my choice is based on fear, its the wrong choice. If its based on faith and love, its more than likely a good decision.
God is continuing to grow my faith like never before. Pretty soon there will be no room for fear; there will only be room for faith and love. I can't wait for that day.
Until then, I will be crying my fear out and doing my best to love God with all that I have.
Sometimes we make the wrong choice. Sometimes we allow people to walk out of our life who should have stuck around and made you grow. Fear holds you back. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being hurt. I am faced with that choice. Do I let someone go because I'm afraid?
Sometimes we refuse to let go of people we should have let go a long time ago. But maybe that person has a power over you and, again, you have fear.
Sometimes (actually all the time, if we take. Moment to listen), God gives us the wisdom to make the choice that is good for us based on faith and love, not fear. If my choice is based on fear, its the wrong choice. If its based on faith and love, its more than likely a good decision.
God is continuing to grow my faith like never before. Pretty soon there will be no room for fear; there will only be room for faith and love. I can't wait for that day.
Until then, I will be crying my fear out and doing my best to love God with all that I have.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Day 184
I was listening to Bill Johnson, senior pastor from Bethel Church in Redding CA. He spoke on renewing your mind. Here are some things that blew my mind that I have to ponder a lot...
My heart is capable of a response that my mind does not yet understand. All I have to do is say, "yes," and THEN understanding and revelation comes. The heart surrender attracts revelation.
Jesus is the divine "yes," we are the "amen." He says yes, we have to agree.
Consider yourself dead to sin. The "third shoe": there is no place to put it.
If the enemy comes to remind me a of a sin, I can say, "that was not me, that person is dead."
Every sin a christian commits comes because of a lie. That nature is dead.
It is impossible for who I am in God to sin.
I do not have to fight my flesh, it already died. What I am fighting against is a spirit parading as my old sin nature.
Ponder these. chew them over. pray through them. Life change WILL happen, I promise.
My heart is capable of a response that my mind does not yet understand. All I have to do is say, "yes," and THEN understanding and revelation comes. The heart surrender attracts revelation.
Jesus is the divine "yes," we are the "amen." He says yes, we have to agree.
Consider yourself dead to sin. The "third shoe": there is no place to put it.
If the enemy comes to remind me a of a sin, I can say, "that was not me, that person is dead."
Every sin a christian commits comes because of a lie. That nature is dead.
It is impossible for who I am in God to sin.
I do not have to fight my flesh, it already died. What I am fighting against is a spirit parading as my old sin nature.
Ponder these. chew them over. pray through them. Life change WILL happen, I promise.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Day 177
Over halfway through....Here's a summary...
I have been overwhelmed with the amount of revelation I have received from the Lord in the last 6 months. I think I would need a book to fully explain. It's all getting written down in my journal though, so maybe someday a book will come out of it. To think about where I was a year ago is to remember darkness, depression, loneliness. I was beginning the road downhill, not knowing it would lead to despair. I felt like I would never amount or At the same exact time, God placed me in a job with a boss who was so full of joy and faith. It is the kind of joy and faith that is childlike. There is no room for depression and unbelief. So, for 3-4 hours a day I was surrounded by that. Then I would go home and it was as if the darkness was waiting outside, unable to touch me until I left the presence of faith and joy. I've said this before but I lost a few very close friends (that were found again later, PTL!) along the way.
Fast forward a few months to January.
...side note... I feel like I've told this story so many times but I'm gonna do it again anyway =)
Anyway, January 2010. God did something that month. He brought me to a place where I was so desperate for Him that I would do anything. I told Him that I would do anything to get rid of the junk I was holding on to. So, with a close friend, we went through every area of darkness in my life. Then we asked God to replace all of those with things of Him. This is what I gained:
acceptance
love
courage
faith
a clear mind
focus
encouragement
freedom
worthiness
healing
wholeness
truth
servanthood
trust
peace
motivation
discipline
joy
confidence
success
purity
restoration
I didn't feel it right away. There were still moments of depression, moments of feeling worthless, moments of feeling dirty. But I strived after God's heart. I ran after it. I *am* running after it. On January 14th, 2010, I wrote in my journal that I was feeling "heavy with the prescence of God. I have felt skin close to Him. I feel Him whispering in my ear. I feel His breath so close, sending shivers up and down my spine." I was finally beginning to experience more of God's passionate, unconditional love for me. I had forgotten it. I had allowed fears of many things to infest my mind. I allowed myself to sink into darkness.
Which brings me to the title of this note. God continually honors. He does not shame. I don't even know if He sees some of the crap that goes on in people. He is looking through an x-ray, only able to see the outline of skin but completely enthralled with the condition of the heart. He saw my heart, the essence of who I am, and He saw WHO I AM, total potential reached. But He also saw the brokenness, the rejection, the shame, the fear. He knew the frail condition of my heart. He offered me this gift of restoration. Didn't force it. That would have created more shame. Instead, he honored ME. He pulled me out of the mud titled "rules."
"Precious, I'm not interested in controlling you. You've already seen what sin does. Trying to follow a list of rules and dos and don'ts is gonna end you up in failure again. Can you just let Me love you with my passionate, sacrifical love? I want YOU above anything else. I want YOU in the condition that YOU are in RIGHT NOW. Just let Me fix you. I took a risk for you. They said I shouldn't do it. They said it wasn't worth it. But I took ONE look at you and said YES! I will take the risk! You are SO worth it!"
He calls me up one step at a time. He's not on top of the mountain screaming "Come on lady, it's cool up here, so you should probably get here soon. Have fun climbling dude." No, He's right next to me, intimately involved in every step. "That would be a good place to step...grab onto that rock...reach for that ledge up there..." And then sometimes my reply is "are you sure? That seems like a pretty far step. I think I'll take this one instead." Then I fall. And He catches me. Without shame, He repeats the directions. "Precious, I know your ability. Trust Me." And I reply "Ok God. I don't think I can do that but I know You created me and You know what I can do. And You will catch me if it doesn't work anyway!"
....another side note....I have been thinking about hiking and mountain climbing a lot lately. God keeps bringing it up in metaphors, and even watching my guilty pleasure, Real World vs Road Rules Fresh Meat II haha! Basically, their elimination rounds consist of hiking up a death trail with a bag of weights on your back. I wanted to be there so bad!...back to my note...
I am free yet fully dependent on Him.
I am only human yet the highest part of hell is under my feet.
I have nothing yet God requires everything of me.
I was born into darkness yet I am transformed into light.
That is all the words I have right now. There is so much more but there are no words to it yet. My prayer is that EVERYONE who reads this will encounter the passionate, sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. Friends living a boring faith - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends feeling oppressed - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends not believing what I am saying - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you.
Don't take my word for it.
I have been overwhelmed with the amount of revelation I have received from the Lord in the last 6 months. I think I would need a book to fully explain. It's all getting written down in my journal though, so maybe someday a book will come out of it. To think about where I was a year ago is to remember darkness, depression, loneliness. I was beginning the road downhill, not knowing it would lead to despair. I felt like I would never amount or At the same exact time, God placed me in a job with a boss who was so full of joy and faith. It is the kind of joy and faith that is childlike. There is no room for depression and unbelief. So, for 3-4 hours a day I was surrounded by that. Then I would go home and it was as if the darkness was waiting outside, unable to touch me until I left the presence of faith and joy. I've said this before but I lost a few very close friends (that were found again later, PTL!) along the way.
Fast forward a few months to January.
...side note... I feel like I've told this story so many times but I'm gonna do it again anyway =)
Anyway, January 2010. God did something that month. He brought me to a place where I was so desperate for Him that I would do anything. I told Him that I would do anything to get rid of the junk I was holding on to. So, with a close friend, we went through every area of darkness in my life. Then we asked God to replace all of those with things of Him. This is what I gained:
acceptance
love
courage
faith
a clear mind
focus
encouragement
freedom
worthiness
healing
wholeness
truth
servanthood
trust
peace
motivation
discipline
joy
confidence
success
purity
restoration
I didn't feel it right away. There were still moments of depression, moments of feeling worthless, moments of feeling dirty. But I strived after God's heart. I ran after it. I *am* running after it. On January 14th, 2010, I wrote in my journal that I was feeling "heavy with the prescence of God. I have felt skin close to Him. I feel Him whispering in my ear. I feel His breath so close, sending shivers up and down my spine." I was finally beginning to experience more of God's passionate, unconditional love for me. I had forgotten it. I had allowed fears of many things to infest my mind. I allowed myself to sink into darkness.
Which brings me to the title of this note. God continually honors. He does not shame. I don't even know if He sees some of the crap that goes on in people. He is looking through an x-ray, only able to see the outline of skin but completely enthralled with the condition of the heart. He saw my heart, the essence of who I am, and He saw WHO I AM, total potential reached. But He also saw the brokenness, the rejection, the shame, the fear. He knew the frail condition of my heart. He offered me this gift of restoration. Didn't force it. That would have created more shame. Instead, he honored ME. He pulled me out of the mud titled "rules."
"Precious, I'm not interested in controlling you. You've already seen what sin does. Trying to follow a list of rules and dos and don'ts is gonna end you up in failure again. Can you just let Me love you with my passionate, sacrifical love? I want YOU above anything else. I want YOU in the condition that YOU are in RIGHT NOW. Just let Me fix you. I took a risk for you. They said I shouldn't do it. They said it wasn't worth it. But I took ONE look at you and said YES! I will take the risk! You are SO worth it!"
He calls me up one step at a time. He's not on top of the mountain screaming "Come on lady, it's cool up here, so you should probably get here soon. Have fun climbling dude." No, He's right next to me, intimately involved in every step. "That would be a good place to step...grab onto that rock...reach for that ledge up there..." And then sometimes my reply is "are you sure? That seems like a pretty far step. I think I'll take this one instead." Then I fall. And He catches me. Without shame, He repeats the directions. "Precious, I know your ability. Trust Me." And I reply "Ok God. I don't think I can do that but I know You created me and You know what I can do. And You will catch me if it doesn't work anyway!"
....another side note....I have been thinking about hiking and mountain climbing a lot lately. God keeps bringing it up in metaphors, and even watching my guilty pleasure, Real World vs Road Rules Fresh Meat II haha! Basically, their elimination rounds consist of hiking up a death trail with a bag of weights on your back. I wanted to be there so bad!...back to my note...
I am free yet fully dependent on Him.
I am only human yet the highest part of hell is under my feet.
I have nothing yet God requires everything of me.
I was born into darkness yet I am transformed into light.
That is all the words I have right now. There is so much more but there are no words to it yet. My prayer is that EVERYONE who reads this will encounter the passionate, sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. Friends living a boring faith - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends feeling oppressed - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you. Friends not believing what I am saying - encounter God's love for you; ask Him to show you.
Don't take my word for it.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Day 175
Psalm 19:7-11
The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making the wise simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; sweeter than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
I really enjoy the second part of each of those sentences. Restoring the soul, rejoicing the heart, enlightening the eyes, enduring forever, more desirable than gold, sweeter than honey. The first part of each of those carry such negative connotations though. The law, the precepts, the commandment, the fear, the judgments.
My conclusion is that I must have the wrong idea of what the "negative" part means. I think the key to reading and understanding the Bible is to be certain of a few things (that the Bible is true, that God inspired it, that God loves me, etc) and anything that comes against any of those core beliefs are not being interpreted correctly. It creates many wonderful challenges rather than just simply reading. It makes me think deeply and thoroughly about what I'm reading and why it was put there.
I think that's the end for now. I've been up since 4am. This time it wasn't for work! I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep! But I hope this makes one person think. It makes it all worth it.
The law of the Lord is perfect, restoring the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making the wise simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the Lord are true; they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes, than much fine gold; sweeter than honey and the drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them Your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
I really enjoy the second part of each of those sentences. Restoring the soul, rejoicing the heart, enlightening the eyes, enduring forever, more desirable than gold, sweeter than honey. The first part of each of those carry such negative connotations though. The law, the precepts, the commandment, the fear, the judgments.
My conclusion is that I must have the wrong idea of what the "negative" part means. I think the key to reading and understanding the Bible is to be certain of a few things (that the Bible is true, that God inspired it, that God loves me, etc) and anything that comes against any of those core beliefs are not being interpreted correctly. It creates many wonderful challenges rather than just simply reading. It makes me think deeply and thoroughly about what I'm reading and why it was put there.
I think that's the end for now. I've been up since 4am. This time it wasn't for work! I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep! But I hope this makes one person think. It makes it all worth it.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Day 165
I love that God puts people in my life for me to mentor but they end up teaching me! Aimee is so hungry for more that I am spurred on as well. Our respective fires are causing bonfires for each other. It just keeps growing and growing! My desire and my capacity for more is growing rapidly. It scares me to death but I must lose my life to gain it.
Lord, sweep me up. Give me more of You than I've experienced before. Increase my capacity for You. I hand over my desires to You and ask that You would use me in whatever way possible to bring Your Kingdom to earth.
And a few hours later I got this in a message from a friend: "He has been working on things in your life. He doesn't want you to be afraid as there is a door that is opening for you. When you see it don't question with your fears just take it. He will he using you to heal others."
My God is so good. No other gods compare, no other earthly thing can ever come close.
Lord, sweep me up. Give me more of You than I've experienced before. Increase my capacity for You. I hand over my desires to You and ask that You would use me in whatever way possible to bring Your Kingdom to earth.
And a few hours later I got this in a message from a friend: "He has been working on things in your life. He doesn't want you to be afraid as there is a door that is opening for you. When you see it don't question with your fears just take it. He will he using you to heal others."
My God is so good. No other gods compare, no other earthly thing can ever come close.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Day 151
I love learning outside the context of school. It becomes my pace, enveloped in my passion, with my parameters. Sometimes I am my own professor. Other times, my pastor may be or my father or God. Recently, God has been teaching me about marriage. My idealistic views and my cynical views have continued to decline. God has replaced it with what He really wants for my marriage. 2 things have emerged as important.
1) marriage will only happen for me when it brings more glory to God than if I stayed single.
2) I used to think that the good Christian thing to do was allow your spouse to have sole control. Which is why I have run away from any relationship that could possibly be serious. I never would admit that I has this belief but it showed in my actions (there's some cognitive psychology for you). Now I realize that it is a dual ownership, cosigners if you will. And I have to make the choice every day to allow my husband to have ownership alongside me of my dreams, secrets, body, etc. This is what we as humans struggle with in relationship with God. I still and always have control over myself but am I going to allow Jesus dual ownership? Am I going to follow Him, disregarding my independence and selfishness?
More to come I'm sure. I am a lifelong student. I am just glad I'm learning these things while still single rather than struggle in my heart with this stuff while still working out a marriage.
1) marriage will only happen for me when it brings more glory to God than if I stayed single.
2) I used to think that the good Christian thing to do was allow your spouse to have sole control. Which is why I have run away from any relationship that could possibly be serious. I never would admit that I has this belief but it showed in my actions (there's some cognitive psychology for you). Now I realize that it is a dual ownership, cosigners if you will. And I have to make the choice every day to allow my husband to have ownership alongside me of my dreams, secrets, body, etc. This is what we as humans struggle with in relationship with God. I still and always have control over myself but am I going to allow Jesus dual ownership? Am I going to follow Him, disregarding my independence and selfishness?
More to come I'm sure. I am a lifelong student. I am just glad I'm learning these things while still single rather than struggle in my heart with this stuff while still working out a marriage.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Day 137
Being in the fire is never easy. It is painful, scarring. We ask for the fire but do we really want it? The minute we get it all we ask is for God to get us out. But that's right where He wants us. Burning away the junk that doesn't matter, the junk that hinders us and keeps us fragile. As you stay with it everything is burned away and Jesus is left.
"So I'll stand with my whole desire in the middle of this forest fire til I've nothing left to show and new life begins to grow."
Its not that God wants me to suffer. He loves me without the fire. But He wants me to have the fullness of what He has for me and I stand in the way of that. So I'm pushing through. I'm not running away from the flames. I'm sticking around until God gives me what He has promised. I'm gonna be persistent. No giving up. Ever.
"So I'll stand with my whole desire in the middle of this forest fire til I've nothing left to show and new life begins to grow."
Its not that God wants me to suffer. He loves me without the fire. But He wants me to have the fullness of what He has for me and I stand in the way of that. So I'm pushing through. I'm not running away from the flames. I'm sticking around until God gives me what He has promised. I'm gonna be persistent. No giving up. Ever.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Day 135
After a good 2 months of good times, I feel life crashing again. Stress upon stress in every area it feels like. To end 2 hard weeks, I had to come down with a head cold, which I'm realizing now is actually allergies. I was feeling fine in the morning and evening but afternoon was baaad. If it's a cold, usually it's the opposite. I digress..
Sometimes when you get to this kind of place, it's easy to stay there. It's easy to whine, complain, get some pity from others. But if I believe what I say I believe, that is not the place to stay. If I believe that God answers my prayers and if I believe that my words have power, why would I curse myself? Why would I focus on the bad stuff?
The other day I had a panic attack. I sent a text to a few people close to me, asking for prayer. On my way to work I was crying, and having a hard time breathing. I could have easily stayed in that mindset and called in sick to work. I could have come home and kept freaking out til I fell asleep. What good would have that done? Instead, I believed that the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ were powerful. About 2 minutes from work, I calmed down completely. As sudden as the attack started, it stopped. I walked into work with a clear mind, a clear face and a smile. Only Jesus could have done that.
So I will take my day off tomorrow to spend time with Jesus. To allow Him to restore my strength. Pray for me if you think about it, and I always love to hear others prayer requests =)
Sometimes when you get to this kind of place, it's easy to stay there. It's easy to whine, complain, get some pity from others. But if I believe what I say I believe, that is not the place to stay. If I believe that God answers my prayers and if I believe that my words have power, why would I curse myself? Why would I focus on the bad stuff?
The other day I had a panic attack. I sent a text to a few people close to me, asking for prayer. On my way to work I was crying, and having a hard time breathing. I could have easily stayed in that mindset and called in sick to work. I could have come home and kept freaking out til I fell asleep. What good would have that done? Instead, I believed that the prayers of my brothers and sisters in Christ were powerful. About 2 minutes from work, I calmed down completely. As sudden as the attack started, it stopped. I walked into work with a clear mind, a clear face and a smile. Only Jesus could have done that.
So I will take my day off tomorrow to spend time with Jesus. To allow Him to restore my strength. Pray for me if you think about it, and I always love to hear others prayer requests =)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Day 133
My grandmother gave me this verse to declare over my life:
I have made the earth, and created man [and Nikki] upon it, I, even my hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded. I have raised [her] up in righteousness, and iwill make all [her] ways straight. [she] shall build my city, and [she] shall let go my captives, not for price or reward, saith the Lord of hosts
Isaiah 45:11-13
I have made the earth, and created man [and Nikki] upon it, I, even my hands, have stretched out the heavens, and all their host have I commanded. I have raised [her] up in righteousness, and iwill make all [her] ways straight. [she] shall build my city, and [she] shall let go my captives, not for price or reward, saith the Lord of hosts
Isaiah 45:11-13
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Day 120
What does it take for God to show up in a room, in a situation, in brokenness, in a person? Does it take me praying? Does it take an open vessel or multiple open vessels? Does it just have to be the right time and the right place? And if it has nothing to do with me, what is God waiting for? Sometimes I relate to Psalm 10:1 that says, "Why do You stand afar off, O Lord? Why do You hide Yourself in times of trouble?" I guess the answer is always unknown and always will be unknown. His ways are higher than mine, His thoughts are higher than mine. Something I've been thinking a lot on lately is how hard it is sometimes to believe the truth when circumstances dictate something other than that truth. But if the truth never changes, then I just have to tell myself what to believe.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Day 114
I have successfully passed through the somewhat depressed, down, dark stage of my life and entered happy, energy-filled, friendly stage. Thanks to all my friends who stuck by me when I was not an easy person to stick by and hello new friends who I am so excited to get to know!
I have no regrets. I needed the alone time, the only ready for close friend time. It connected me to God in a way nothing else could. Now I am not relying on human friendships to fulfill me. Its an added bonus to an already abundant life that I am choosing to live.
I have no regrets. I needed the alone time, the only ready for close friend time. It connected me to God in a way nothing else could. Now I am not relying on human friendships to fulfill me. Its an added bonus to an already abundant life that I am choosing to live.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day 100
Day 100. No coincidence that it is this day I have the most amazing vision/picture from Jesus. No coincidence that day 100 of my spiritual awakening is when God gives me a strong passion for my city.
For those of you who are my Jesus lover friends hopefully this will be an encouragement to you. For those of you who are skeptics, I'm just gonna seem more weird to you but my college educated self is ok with that.
I was driving between jobs heading from Puyallup to Tacoma on 512 when it happened. The song on my CD was saying something like, "Set your heart on the heavenly realm" so I did that. I asked God to show me something beyond this physical world. So He did.
In my mind (if I would have really seen this I would have crashed) I saw an angel who was probably 100 feet tall looking over Tacoma, back and forth, all around. I wasn't sure what that meant so I asked God.
He told me that this angel is specifically assigned to protect Tacoma. My first thought was awesome. My second thought was wait, there are so many crimes going on right now, is he not doing his job?
Then God reminded me of a book I had read a long time ago called Piercing the Darkness. Its all about the fight between angels and demons and how that interweaves with human life. There's a part in the story when a few people are praying together and the angels see it and are released to go and do their job.
Now, deep down, burdening my heart, is a cry for Tacoma. A cry for the desperate, homeless, victims, perpetrators, churches, families, hurting and lonely. A lot of us choose to live in our bubbles called Fircrest, University Place, Gig Harbor, etc. We are not faced with the atrocities committed down the street in east Tacoma, hilltop, down town. Are we as followers of Jesus going to pretend this stuff doesn't happen? Or will we love God AND love people without holding back with either?
For those of you who are my Jesus lover friends hopefully this will be an encouragement to you. For those of you who are skeptics, I'm just gonna seem more weird to you but my college educated self is ok with that.
I was driving between jobs heading from Puyallup to Tacoma on 512 when it happened. The song on my CD was saying something like, "Set your heart on the heavenly realm" so I did that. I asked God to show me something beyond this physical world. So He did.
In my mind (if I would have really seen this I would have crashed) I saw an angel who was probably 100 feet tall looking over Tacoma, back and forth, all around. I wasn't sure what that meant so I asked God.
He told me that this angel is specifically assigned to protect Tacoma. My first thought was awesome. My second thought was wait, there are so many crimes going on right now, is he not doing his job?
Then God reminded me of a book I had read a long time ago called Piercing the Darkness. Its all about the fight between angels and demons and how that interweaves with human life. There's a part in the story when a few people are praying together and the angels see it and are released to go and do their job.
Now, deep down, burdening my heart, is a cry for Tacoma. A cry for the desperate, homeless, victims, perpetrators, churches, families, hurting and lonely. A lot of us choose to live in our bubbles called Fircrest, University Place, Gig Harbor, etc. We are not faced with the atrocities committed down the street in east Tacoma, hilltop, down town. Are we as followers of Jesus going to pretend this stuff doesn't happen? Or will we love God AND love people without holding back with either?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Day 88
Why do I love Jesus?
Because He first loved me.
There's this thing that I struggle with. I was particularly burdened by it last night. Driving home I realized just how much my choices affect others. I was disappointed in myself. I felt like dirt.
I was listening to music (one if my new IHOP[rayer] favorites). The line of the song that hit me was, "I am Your beloved and You are mine. I've ravished Your heart and You've ravished mine." My first thought was no, how can that be true! I am undeserving of the God of the universe being RAVISHED by me. The song kept repeating that line over and over. I broke down. No! Look at me! Dirty, irresponsible, stupid. It can't be true that You love me this way. The song kept saying it.
So I gave up. And accepted that love which allows me to love Him better.
Romans 8:37
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us
Because He first loved me.
There's this thing that I struggle with. I was particularly burdened by it last night. Driving home I realized just how much my choices affect others. I was disappointed in myself. I felt like dirt.
I was listening to music (one if my new IHOP[rayer] favorites). The line of the song that hit me was, "I am Your beloved and You are mine. I've ravished Your heart and You've ravished mine." My first thought was no, how can that be true! I am undeserving of the God of the universe being RAVISHED by me. The song kept repeating that line over and over. I broke down. No! Look at me! Dirty, irresponsible, stupid. It can't be true that You love me this way. The song kept saying it.
So I gave up. And accepted that love which allows me to love Him better.
Romans 8:37
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Day 78
This weekend I went to a conference called One Thing. It is put on by International House of Prayer in Kansas City MO. IHOP-KC (prayer, not pancakes!) is a group of people who are praying night and day. They have had a contintual meeting with people coming in and out of the prayer room since September of 1999. They just recently had their 10 year anniversary. I have some issues with their theology, but I have issues with my own church's theology and I pretty much have issues with anyone's theology. But I can also filter what I believe is truth because I have a *personal* relationship with Jesus. Anyway, this One Thing conference is based on Psalm 27:4 that says "The one thing I ask of the LORD-- the thing I seek most-- is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD's perfections and meditating in his Temple."
During tonight's session I had another one of those experiences I can't explain. I am a changed woman. I don't even know what has changed yet. The Holy Spirit came to me in a power I haven't felt in my life. It was like He walked in the room, came up to me and shocked me with some crazy electricity. Every few seconds I jerked, shaking my head or bending over, unable to stand up straight.
And that's where people say, "Good to know Nikki's crazy." Yeah, probably. So this explanation is for the people who have not experienced that. It's like taking a dirty rug and shaking the dust off. Jesus wants me so badly and He was just waiting for me to say, "Take away what is holding me back from You." So He did. Again, I don't even know at this point what was taken away. But that's the amazing part. When someone tells you to stop thinking about a pink elephant, you're gonna think of a pink elephant. If someone sneaks that pink elephant out of the room without you knowing it, it's gonna take you a while to realize it's gone if you're focused on your best friend.
So that takes me to issues about allowing emotions and experiences to lead you. Bad idea. But so many times we focus on that radical experience rather than the Being who brought you the experience. If you walk out of an experience like that and you go back to the same old crap, nothing really happened. You just fell over, shook a bunch, looked like a fool and for nothing. If you are radically changed then you just fell over, shook a bunch and looked like a fool for Jesus. He has the power to change His people. All people. He has the power to take a closed mind and blow it wide open. He has the power to transform a hurt deep down inside that no one knows. He has the power to heal eyesight and disease and destruction.
If you just read that and something tightened inside you, GOOD! That's Him, Jesus, lover of your soul, working inside of you, the part no one can ever see with their eyes. I want to pray for you if that's you. Message me. Please. No one who experiences the power of the Holy Spirit can walk away unchanged.
During tonight's session I had another one of those experiences I can't explain. I am a changed woman. I don't even know what has changed yet. The Holy Spirit came to me in a power I haven't felt in my life. It was like He walked in the room, came up to me and shocked me with some crazy electricity. Every few seconds I jerked, shaking my head or bending over, unable to stand up straight.
And that's where people say, "Good to know Nikki's crazy." Yeah, probably. So this explanation is for the people who have not experienced that. It's like taking a dirty rug and shaking the dust off. Jesus wants me so badly and He was just waiting for me to say, "Take away what is holding me back from You." So He did. Again, I don't even know at this point what was taken away. But that's the amazing part. When someone tells you to stop thinking about a pink elephant, you're gonna think of a pink elephant. If someone sneaks that pink elephant out of the room without you knowing it, it's gonna take you a while to realize it's gone if you're focused on your best friend.
So that takes me to issues about allowing emotions and experiences to lead you. Bad idea. But so many times we focus on that radical experience rather than the Being who brought you the experience. If you walk out of an experience like that and you go back to the same old crap, nothing really happened. You just fell over, shook a bunch, looked like a fool and for nothing. If you are radically changed then you just fell over, shook a bunch and looked like a fool for Jesus. He has the power to change His people. All people. He has the power to take a closed mind and blow it wide open. He has the power to transform a hurt deep down inside that no one knows. He has the power to heal eyesight and disease and destruction.
If you just read that and something tightened inside you, GOOD! That's Him, Jesus, lover of your soul, working inside of you, the part no one can ever see with their eyes. I want to pray for you if that's you. Message me. Please. No one who experiences the power of the Holy Spirit can walk away unchanged.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Day 70
DREADS
7:07 I'm doing them. It's official. I have one done so far! And stabbed myself with a crochet hook. Awesome. I'm gonna have wounds from this! Rad sauce =)
8:30 I have 3 finished. I took a break to call my friend and let her know what was going on. I have continued to stab myself but not as bad as the first time. I bled a lot on the first time! I'm gonna take a little break to explain why I'm doing this. I have been through a lot in the last year. Mostly all on the inside. In January I went through massive change and growth, again on the inside, and it's continuing so much. I love it! But I wanted to have something on the outside to represent the change. Hence, dreadlocks. It will be a lot of hard work but this is gonna be a long term deal.
8:42 I have the first 5 done, aka the bottom row. I think I'm done for tonight. I feel like I have the start of the flu, so I want to make sure I get a lot of sleep tonight, especially since I work at 6am tomorrow! So, I'll just pin them all up, and start back up around 3:30, when my 'helper' gets here =)
7:07 I'm doing them. It's official. I have one done so far! And stabbed myself with a crochet hook. Awesome. I'm gonna have wounds from this! Rad sauce =)
8:30 I have 3 finished. I took a break to call my friend and let her know what was going on. I have continued to stab myself but not as bad as the first time. I bled a lot on the first time! I'm gonna take a little break to explain why I'm doing this. I have been through a lot in the last year. Mostly all on the inside. In January I went through massive change and growth, again on the inside, and it's continuing so much. I love it! But I wanted to have something on the outside to represent the change. Hence, dreadlocks. It will be a lot of hard work but this is gonna be a long term deal.
8:42 I have the first 5 done, aka the bottom row. I think I'm done for tonight. I feel like I have the start of the flu, so I want to make sure I get a lot of sleep tonight, especially since I work at 6am tomorrow! So, I'll just pin them all up, and start back up around 3:30, when my 'helper' gets here =)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Day 69
Trust.
A concept I have thought about a lot in the last couple months. I realized I tend to withhold trust in some situations when I should be generous with it. So I've done some soul searching. Here goes.
I was angry with someone for something I thought they did. So I confronted them. They apologized and said that wouldn't happen again (short story). Experience with human nature dictates that I should question that and not trust. But, I prayed that God would only allow truth to be present in this meeting and I believe God give me everything I ask for if it is according to His will. I had a decision to make. Do I trust this person or do I assume this person is lying? I decided to trust. Trust or lack thereof is a "me" issue. If trust is betrayed then you can choose to forgive or not but it is still a decision that I make, regardless of the other person's actions.
So then I think about trust within a marriage. "Without trust there is no love" (thank you Moulin Rouge). I think this is a part of my lack of significant other problem. I trust Jesus with everything I am but humans, really? Men, really? I know a few I would trust my life with but they are nowhere near a romantic level. One step at a time I guess. I'll make the choice to trust, that is my conclusion. A life lesson I have learned the easy way.
A concept I have thought about a lot in the last couple months. I realized I tend to withhold trust in some situations when I should be generous with it. So I've done some soul searching. Here goes.
I was angry with someone for something I thought they did. So I confronted them. They apologized and said that wouldn't happen again (short story). Experience with human nature dictates that I should question that and not trust. But, I prayed that God would only allow truth to be present in this meeting and I believe God give me everything I ask for if it is according to His will. I had a decision to make. Do I trust this person or do I assume this person is lying? I decided to trust. Trust or lack thereof is a "me" issue. If trust is betrayed then you can choose to forgive or not but it is still a decision that I make, regardless of the other person's actions.
So then I think about trust within a marriage. "Without trust there is no love" (thank you Moulin Rouge). I think this is a part of my lack of significant other problem. I trust Jesus with everything I am but humans, really? Men, really? I know a few I would trust my life with but they are nowhere near a romantic level. One step at a time I guess. I'll make the choice to trust, that is my conclusion. A life lesson I have learned the easy way.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Day 65
He just used a room of strangers to speak very personal things to me. My favorite of tonight (if you care to hear all of them, ask me or maybe I'll write it later) was when one of them (this one I knew and was the one who invited me) said to me he saw me as a momma bear, very protective of my little ones. The momma bear he pictured was the one in the Charmin commercials. Love it!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Day 60
60 days! I can't believe these 60 days have gone by so fast. We have already arrived in March. It has been a whirlwind adventure. Partly physical, partly spiritual. Actually, mostly spiritual! I have grown leaps and bounds in the way I live, the way I act, the way I see the world. Jesus is truly changing me from the inside out. I am experiencing it all on the inside first. This is difficult for sure. I know I'm different, I feel it so much on the inside. However, other people aren't seeing it yet. I feel like I'm this completely different person but many people still see me as the way I was 3 months ago. It's hard to restore a reputation that was on its way downhill. I built myself in people's perceptions as depressed, angry, biting, cold and unforgiving. From the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. Now, I am in the process of detoxing my body as I detox my mind and spirit as well. It is such a cool experience to be able to see perfectly what is happening in the physical and know that it is a picture of what is happening in the spiritual.
Luke 6:38 "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure -- pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measure to you in return."
I am giving out. I am not holding anything back. I'm getting rid of the junk and allowing Christ to fill me up. I am giving and Jesus promises to give back pressed down, shaken together, and running over. This reminds me of when I was a child and I helped my dad clean up all the yard waste. We would put as much as could fit in the waste bin. Then, my dad would help me up on top of the yard waste and I would stomp on it and jump on it til it sunk down halfway. Then we would fill it up. A whole yard of leaves and sticks and brush would end up in the waste bin. God is doing that for me. I am giving up what is mine. I am measuring it in a generous manner. He is taking all of that and will return it with more and compact and POWERFUL!
The next step of this journey: pursue a friendship God has told me to pursue and begin a 10 day fast/detox the day after Easter.
Luke 6:38 "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure -- pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measure to you in return."
I am giving out. I am not holding anything back. I'm getting rid of the junk and allowing Christ to fill me up. I am giving and Jesus promises to give back pressed down, shaken together, and running over. This reminds me of when I was a child and I helped my dad clean up all the yard waste. We would put as much as could fit in the waste bin. Then, my dad would help me up on top of the yard waste and I would stomp on it and jump on it til it sunk down halfway. Then we would fill it up. A whole yard of leaves and sticks and brush would end up in the waste bin. God is doing that for me. I am giving up what is mine. I am measuring it in a generous manner. He is taking all of that and will return it with more and compact and POWERFUL!
The next step of this journey: pursue a friendship God has told me to pursue and begin a 10 day fast/detox the day after Easter.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Day 57
It has been a long while since I last posted. I decided to change the title of my blog. It is no longer about dieting or food. I decided about 3 weeks into it that I was not going to be strict on gluten or wheat (still trying to cut wheat from my diet) but do my best to stay away from sugar. The first 3 weeks acted much like a fast for me. A spiritual fast. Cutting away something that was dear to me changed my life. I lost 10 pounds, whatever, no big deal. I gained a couple pounds back. Again, don't care. However, since then, my life and my relationship with God has completely changed. This is the most intense growth I have ever experienced.
After the intensity of the first 3 weeks, I slacked off a lot. I ate a lot of sugar and wheat and dairy and felt not so good. So I am attempting to jump back on that wagon, especially the sugar and dairy. I think the 2 pounds I gained back was due to the lattes I have fallen for. I have tried out different kinds to see which hurts me the least. White Chocolate Mochas are the worst for me! My tummy screams at me after I drink it. I've tried different variations and so far the best is a grande soy white mocha with 2 pumps white chocolate. 4 pumps is the regular. Waaaay too sweet! So no dairy on that one, and less sugar. But more expensive. Boo. I'll have to save those for special occasions like working at 4 am!
Back to the serious stuff. The first month was a definite change on the inside. Not much happened on the outside. I don't think I really acted differently or lost too many inches. But I felt good physically, I had more confidence and I became closer and closer to God. Then things started happening on the outside. Shortening the story, I am now a leader of a small group at my church. We decided as a group to give up something for Lent. More fasting. YES! This time I'm fasting TV. It's been a good run. More on that later. I have lost a size in my pants. I'm mentoring other people with confidence and courage. I am scouting for opportunities to LOVE furiously. I feel Jesus' love like a heaviness in my chest. It is always with me, continuing to sink in. When I feel like I can't contain anymore it just keeps going.
I went to a conference at my boss' church. A man named Todd White was the speaker. He is hippie in one word. He OWNS his skinny dreads, he rocks his very colored vertical striped shirt and he sports a tan and a soul patch. God spoke so powerfully through him and completely flipped my life around. It was like he lit a fire and welcomed people to sit in the blazing furnace. He talked about what the blood of Jesus really did. So many times christians see it as a one time thing that goes away. We try to dig up stuff that Jesus' blood already washed away. He died for my insecurities. He died for my anger. He died for my depression. He died for my hopelessness. He died for my feelings of worthlessness. So why do I keep dragging it back? "You do not have the strength OR the right to reach down through Jesus' blood and pull something out." Done, finished, dealt with, forgotten by God. Wow. This truth revolutionized my LIFE! No more am I gonna believe LIES! I will hold on to the truth of who Jesus is, and who He says I am.
I will end with a quote from a song that I have sung every single day.
After the intensity of the first 3 weeks, I slacked off a lot. I ate a lot of sugar and wheat and dairy and felt not so good. So I am attempting to jump back on that wagon, especially the sugar and dairy. I think the 2 pounds I gained back was due to the lattes I have fallen for. I have tried out different kinds to see which hurts me the least. White Chocolate Mochas are the worst for me! My tummy screams at me after I drink it. I've tried different variations and so far the best is a grande soy white mocha with 2 pumps white chocolate. 4 pumps is the regular. Waaaay too sweet! So no dairy on that one, and less sugar. But more expensive. Boo. I'll have to save those for special occasions like working at 4 am!
Back to the serious stuff. The first month was a definite change on the inside. Not much happened on the outside. I don't think I really acted differently or lost too many inches. But I felt good physically, I had more confidence and I became closer and closer to God. Then things started happening on the outside. Shortening the story, I am now a leader of a small group at my church. We decided as a group to give up something for Lent. More fasting. YES! This time I'm fasting TV. It's been a good run. More on that later. I have lost a size in my pants. I'm mentoring other people with confidence and courage. I am scouting for opportunities to LOVE furiously. I feel Jesus' love like a heaviness in my chest. It is always with me, continuing to sink in. When I feel like I can't contain anymore it just keeps going.
I went to a conference at my boss' church. A man named Todd White was the speaker. He is hippie in one word. He OWNS his skinny dreads, he rocks his very colored vertical striped shirt and he sports a tan and a soul patch. God spoke so powerfully through him and completely flipped my life around. It was like he lit a fire and welcomed people to sit in the blazing furnace. He talked about what the blood of Jesus really did. So many times christians see it as a one time thing that goes away. We try to dig up stuff that Jesus' blood already washed away. He died for my insecurities. He died for my anger. He died for my depression. He died for my hopelessness. He died for my feelings of worthlessness. So why do I keep dragging it back? "You do not have the strength OR the right to reach down through Jesus' blood and pull something out." Done, finished, dealt with, forgotten by God. Wow. This truth revolutionized my LIFE! No more am I gonna believe LIES! I will hold on to the truth of who Jesus is, and who He says I am.
I will end with a quote from a song that I have sung every single day.
I asked for matches
And I received a gallon full of gasoline
I'm burning, I'm burning
I know I'm gonna blister in these flames
I'll stand here
Til the smoke clears
I'll find You in the ashes that remain
Friday, January 29, 2010
Day 28
I have to change my original title of my blog. Gluten is going to be taken out. I did not realize what gluten really was and I did not know it was in EVERYTHING. So I'm sticking to keeping out wheat, sugar and dairy. I have been looking into organic foods and doing a little research on how to eat the healthiest. When I feel the need I will be doing a detox to fully clean out my body and then the next step will be to live as organically as possible. But, I feel like this present diet is supposed to be 90 days. I will decide what the next step is at that point.
Tonight, I asked myself a question. Am I ready to say to Jesus that I will do whatever it takes to see Him move on earth? Will I do whatever it takes to seek Him? He has provoked me to ask the questions because He wants me to know that I will. He already knows I will do whatever it takes. But He wants to expose me to myself. Sounds a little weird right? Well, God is the One who created me and knows who He created me to be. I'm still in the process of discovering that for myself.
Before I answer that, my human nature wants to know what it's actually going to cost me. What are the terms, God? He won't answer of course. He answers in the midst of the situation. "Hey Precious, this is happening, you're desperate. Still wanna see Me? Still want My power? Still wanna see revival?" I have a taste of desperation. Fear holds me back. I don't accept that. I WON'T accept that. God knows me, He loves me, He has created me. He is the closest anyone can ever be to me. He will take care of me. I can have all the blessings taken away from me and He will never change. Fear of man, fear of poverty, fear of shame, fear of pride BE GONE.
WHATEVER IT TAKES...as long as You are by my side.
Tonight, I asked myself a question. Am I ready to say to Jesus that I will do whatever it takes to see Him move on earth? Will I do whatever it takes to seek Him? He has provoked me to ask the questions because He wants me to know that I will. He already knows I will do whatever it takes. But He wants to expose me to myself. Sounds a little weird right? Well, God is the One who created me and knows who He created me to be. I'm still in the process of discovering that for myself.
Before I answer that, my human nature wants to know what it's actually going to cost me. What are the terms, God? He won't answer of course. He answers in the midst of the situation. "Hey Precious, this is happening, you're desperate. Still wanna see Me? Still want My power? Still wanna see revival?" I have a taste of desperation. Fear holds me back. I don't accept that. I WON'T accept that. God knows me, He loves me, He has created me. He is the closest anyone can ever be to me. He will take care of me. I can have all the blessings taken away from me and He will never change. Fear of man, fear of poverty, fear of shame, fear of pride BE GONE.
WHATEVER IT TAKES...as long as You are by my side.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Day 24
I have lost 9 pounds so far. Since I was my heaviest (last summer) I have lost 25 pounds. Success! Of course, like I have said before, that was never the goal. No matter what, I look at myself in the mirror and feel confident about the way I look.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a good friend. We were talking about losing weight and she made me realize something. After my parents got divorced and 2 years later when they both got remarried I gained a good amount of weight. So now, I'm carrying around pain and depression physically on my body. I'm done with it. I want to get rid of it. This is my secondary motivation. I just need to step into another stage of healing. God is good and doesn't make us do more than what we can handle.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a good friend. We were talking about losing weight and she made me realize something. After my parents got divorced and 2 years later when they both got remarried I gained a good amount of weight. So now, I'm carrying around pain and depression physically on my body. I'm done with it. I want to get rid of it. This is my secondary motivation. I just need to step into another stage of healing. God is good and doesn't make us do more than what we can handle.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Day 17
I haven't talked about the kind of food I've been eating. That is how this blog started, so I'll update about that.
It has been fairly simple to think of meals. I thought this diet would be extremely difficult but staying away from wheat, sugar and dairy just forces me to eat more veggies, rice, soy milk, beans, etc. I have found enough good substitutes for crackers, milk, noodles and bread that I am satisfied. My mom and step dad are fabulous at putting a bunch of ingredients together and coming up with amazing meals so I steal a lot of their food.
I have cheated on this diet a lot this week, especially the weekend. My friend brought over cake balls. I couldn't pass those up! I went to a baby shower and had a ton of mini bagels with pumpkin cream cheese. I have snacked on the brownies left over from my little sister's surprise party. The good thing is that it has never gotten out of control. Before, I would start and not stop when I cheated. Now it's here and there, and I always resolve to hop back on the train. Plus, if this is a lifestyle, nothing changes even if I have an "oops" moment. It's not about the failure, it's about what you do after the failure.
Now on to the spiritual side of things. Like I have said before, this diet has cleared my mind and allowed me to hear God much easier. I have the energy to counsel like I know I am gifted to. I have been so depressed in the past that I needed counseling and was not a good listener. Now I can do what I know I am called to do. Also, I am in the middle of the grieving process for a friendship. I didn't think I needed to grieve but I guess I was in the denial stage! I have to let go of what was good about it and what I wanted it to be in the future. I have lived in the past and the future too much. The past is done, the future is unknown. I have to face what is now. The friendship is over. I have to get over it. The good thing is, it's not an actual death. God can revive it if it is in His plan to. I have to give it to Him, allow Him to work in me and trust that God will work in him.
I was thinking today about the excitement I still have when I hear God speak to me. I never want that to change. I love that His heart will always beat faster when I spend time with Him. I have loved God for almost 20 years and my feelings continue to grow. He continues to draw me closer day after day, moment by moment. He expands my capacity to love Him so when I think I can't love Him anymore, He stretches me a little more and I realize I have so far to go. I love it. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
It has been fairly simple to think of meals. I thought this diet would be extremely difficult but staying away from wheat, sugar and dairy just forces me to eat more veggies, rice, soy milk, beans, etc. I have found enough good substitutes for crackers, milk, noodles and bread that I am satisfied. My mom and step dad are fabulous at putting a bunch of ingredients together and coming up with amazing meals so I steal a lot of their food.
I have cheated on this diet a lot this week, especially the weekend. My friend brought over cake balls. I couldn't pass those up! I went to a baby shower and had a ton of mini bagels with pumpkin cream cheese. I have snacked on the brownies left over from my little sister's surprise party. The good thing is that it has never gotten out of control. Before, I would start and not stop when I cheated. Now it's here and there, and I always resolve to hop back on the train. Plus, if this is a lifestyle, nothing changes even if I have an "oops" moment. It's not about the failure, it's about what you do after the failure.
Now on to the spiritual side of things. Like I have said before, this diet has cleared my mind and allowed me to hear God much easier. I have the energy to counsel like I know I am gifted to. I have been so depressed in the past that I needed counseling and was not a good listener. Now I can do what I know I am called to do. Also, I am in the middle of the grieving process for a friendship. I didn't think I needed to grieve but I guess I was in the denial stage! I have to let go of what was good about it and what I wanted it to be in the future. I have lived in the past and the future too much. The past is done, the future is unknown. I have to face what is now. The friendship is over. I have to get over it. The good thing is, it's not an actual death. God can revive it if it is in His plan to. I have to give it to Him, allow Him to work in me and trust that God will work in him.
I was thinking today about the excitement I still have when I hear God speak to me. I never want that to change. I love that His heart will always beat faster when I spend time with Him. I have loved God for almost 20 years and my feelings continue to grow. He continues to draw me closer day after day, moment by moment. He expands my capacity to love Him so when I think I can't love Him anymore, He stretches me a little more and I realize I have so far to go. I love it. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Day 11
Today I weighed myself. I have lost 6 pounds so far! I have never been so stoked to lose that little cause I've lost a lot more weight in this amount of time with other diets and exercise but after I see the good results I slow down usually. Now, I'm starting strong and ending strong. That's the plan anyway!
Every time I call it a diet, I hesitate. I hate what connotation it brings. But someone told me to look up the greek origin of the word. The greek origin is daiata (I think) and it means "way of life." I will now proudly call it a diet! And it encompasses every part of this journey, mind, body, spirit.
I tend to ramble if I write while watching a movie, which is what I'm doing right now. State of Play. Hello Russell Crowe....anyway...
Today I was playing with silly putty while tutoring one of my little kiddos and I hit a metaphor. When you work hard at molding silly putty, it gets harder the harder and faster you work at it. When you relax and slow down the silly putty just melts. It may not turn out the way you want it to and it doesn't stay the way you want it to but it's all about losing control. Life with Jesus is like that. The harder you strive the harder life is. You never actually get anywhere and if you do it takes forever and isn't worth it once you get there. But if you lose control, allow God to mold you in the way He wants to, it'll be messy, it won't turn out the way you want it to, it'll take longer but when you get there, it's all worth it. Then you start melting again and let God form you even more.
I feel like I'm at that point. I strived for six months to be what I thought I needed to be. I ended up depressed and unhealthy. So I let go. The funny thing is, I'm doing more than I ever did in my life. I've cut out gluten, wheat, sugar and dairy. A year ago, that was unheard of for me! I'm consistently writing a blog detailing my experiences. Usually I start something without finishing. Right now, life is just flowing. I'm allowing God to mold me in the way He wants me and will "arrive" at something and then God will say "good job, let's keep going" and do it again. Mold me Jesus :)
Every time I call it a diet, I hesitate. I hate what connotation it brings. But someone told me to look up the greek origin of the word. The greek origin is daiata (I think) and it means "way of life." I will now proudly call it a diet! And it encompasses every part of this journey, mind, body, spirit.
I tend to ramble if I write while watching a movie, which is what I'm doing right now. State of Play. Hello Russell Crowe....anyway...
Today I was playing with silly putty while tutoring one of my little kiddos and I hit a metaphor. When you work hard at molding silly putty, it gets harder the harder and faster you work at it. When you relax and slow down the silly putty just melts. It may not turn out the way you want it to and it doesn't stay the way you want it to but it's all about losing control. Life with Jesus is like that. The harder you strive the harder life is. You never actually get anywhere and if you do it takes forever and isn't worth it once you get there. But if you lose control, allow God to mold you in the way He wants to, it'll be messy, it won't turn out the way you want it to, it'll take longer but when you get there, it's all worth it. Then you start melting again and let God form you even more.
I feel like I'm at that point. I strived for six months to be what I thought I needed to be. I ended up depressed and unhealthy. So I let go. The funny thing is, I'm doing more than I ever did in my life. I've cut out gluten, wheat, sugar and dairy. A year ago, that was unheard of for me! I'm consistently writing a blog detailing my experiences. Usually I start something without finishing. Right now, life is just flowing. I'm allowing God to mold me in the way He wants me and will "arrive" at something and then God will say "good job, let's keep going" and do it again. Mold me Jesus :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Day 10
I forgot to mention what ended up happening with the car break-in. The day after it happened, the police found all of my cards: debit, credit, gift, ID and social security. I was floored! Especially cause I didn't have to figure out how to figure out the social security thing. I was very thankful that I got those things back but there were still some things I missed. I loved my hemp lotion and berts beeswax chapstick. So one day I prayed, and told Jesus that it would be awesome if I got those back. Guess what? The next day the police station called and told me they found my purse and the rest of the contents of my purse. Including my chapstick and lotion! So I have closure.
As far as food, I've been a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I have cheated a few times. On Saturday I stopped by a friend's house and her husband offered to make me dinner. Part of it was pasta. I had decided before I even started the diet that if anyone offered me food, I wouldn't turn it down. Plus, it was chicken parmesan...VERY GOOD! So I ate it. I didn't feel the best after eating it, but it might have been cause I ate it too fast. Yesterday my sister and I planned a surprise birthday party for our younger sister cause she is turning 16 tomorrow. One of her friends brought very good chocolate chip cookies. I ate 3 and had a mad stomachache! I made a mental note on that one! I also drank a soda yesterday AND today. Fail!
I'm still on the diet train though! It's all about what you do after you make a mistake, not the mistake itself. I know that this is what God wants me to do and if I fall and stay down I have done a great diservice to myself and disobeyed what God has told me to do. Failure happens but after a few failures comes success! And success happens because you have learned from the failures.
As far as food, I've been a 7 on a scale of 1-10. I have cheated a few times. On Saturday I stopped by a friend's house and her husband offered to make me dinner. Part of it was pasta. I had decided before I even started the diet that if anyone offered me food, I wouldn't turn it down. Plus, it was chicken parmesan...VERY GOOD! So I ate it. I didn't feel the best after eating it, but it might have been cause I ate it too fast. Yesterday my sister and I planned a surprise birthday party for our younger sister cause she is turning 16 tomorrow. One of her friends brought very good chocolate chip cookies. I ate 3 and had a mad stomachache! I made a mental note on that one! I also drank a soda yesterday AND today. Fail!
I'm still on the diet train though! It's all about what you do after you make a mistake, not the mistake itself. I know that this is what God wants me to do and if I fall and stay down I have done a great diservice to myself and disobeyed what God has told me to do. Failure happens but after a few failures comes success! And success happens because you have learned from the failures.
Life is a journey
Not a destination
There are no mistakes
Just chances we've taken
Lay down your regrets cause all we have is now
Wake up in the morning
And get out of bed
Start making a mental list in my head
Of all of the things that I am grateful for
Early in the morning
It's the dawn of a new day
New hopes, new dreams, new ways
I open up my eyes and
I open up my mind and
I wonder how God will surprise me today
Early in the morning
It's the dawn of a new day
New hopes, new dreams, new ways
I open up my heart and
I'm gon' do my part and
Make this a positively beautiful day
~India Arie
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 5
I have almost finished week 1. I feel like I'm in for the long haul. My goal is to do it as strict as possible for 3 months and then start adding dairy in and see how I feel. I definitely feel better over all. I have more energy and I'm able to get through the day without being in tears! I am usually in a good mood which is a definite change. I am confident that this was the right decision.
I thought I had a lot more to say...However, I am a little distracted while watching The Real World DC. I am a reality TV nut! This season has many people who have grown up christian and there are half who have walked way and half who are still serving God. This will be an interesting season to study. I am truly a psychologist at heart. If you didn't know, I majored in psychology at school and I absolutely love studying people.
Doing a diet is naturally going to allow me to lose some weight which I am very excited about. Every woman wants to lose weight and I have a healthy goal that I want to reach. I would like to get half way to that goal by July 25th because I am in a wedding. It's always nice to look your best when you're standing in front of 200 people.
Update on the hair: I LOVE IT! No shampooing is wonderful. I am going to try to straighten my hair on saturday and we'll see how that goes. But I like the crazyness of how it is now.
Sorry for the ramblings on....Thanks for reading!
I thought I had a lot more to say...However, I am a little distracted while watching The Real World DC. I am a reality TV nut! This season has many people who have grown up christian and there are half who have walked way and half who are still serving God. This will be an interesting season to study. I am truly a psychologist at heart. If you didn't know, I majored in psychology at school and I absolutely love studying people.
Doing a diet is naturally going to allow me to lose some weight which I am very excited about. Every woman wants to lose weight and I have a healthy goal that I want to reach. I would like to get half way to that goal by July 25th because I am in a wedding. It's always nice to look your best when you're standing in front of 200 people.
Update on the hair: I LOVE IT! No shampooing is wonderful. I am going to try to straighten my hair on saturday and we'll see how that goes. But I like the crazyness of how it is now.
Sorry for the ramblings on....Thanks for reading!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Day 3
I'm not sure if I will actually be detailing my journey each and every day, but right now there seem to be enough noteworthy things going on in the beginning.
Last night at 1am I was woken up by my roommate telling me she just saw my car get broken into. The suspect smashed my window and took my purse that included ID, debit/credit cards, gap gift card, itunes gift card, chapstick, and other things that aren't very valuable and don't mean too much to me but they will be missed. I stayed up for about 2 hours, my step father came and helped me tape up the window, sweep up the glass, tell me what I need to do today and pray for me. I went to sleep, called in sick to both jobs, and my sister drove me around to figure out issues with the bank, DOL, and police station to get the case number. Basically, I can't start a new account at the bank until I have my ID. I can't get my ID today because the DOL is not open on mondays. I don't have money because I can't get into my checking account which means I don't have money to pay for gas, for the glass to be repaired, or for my replacement ID. My bank did let me cash part of a paycheck I was gonna cash anyway, but that was against their rules. Jesus definitely showed me favor in that situation.
The good news is, my dad is a giver and is paying for a lot of things. Also, I knew that after last night, something was going to happen. You can't go through change and standing up against the enemy without him getting very angry and wanting to destroy what you've done. So, I say, too bad, I am a child of God, nothing you can do can harm me. My God is bigger, my Jesus conquered the grave. What else is there?
As far as the diet goes, I have done surprisingly well today. This is something that normally would have made me give up and eat some chocolate. But again, I have refrained.
Breakfast: Leftover oatmeal that I hadn't eaten yesterday.
Lunch: Veggies and hummus (my favorite obviously). Meat, beans, and rice in a tortilla. Yes, the tortilla was a flour tortilla, meaning it had wheat and gluten in it but I had already bought the tortillas and my mom keeps telling me to not go insane on this diet. So I thought about it, and I decided that I didn't want to waste the tortillas and I needed something to put all the meat, beans, and rice into. I would have been able to get corn or rice tortillas BUT, no access to my money.
Dinner: I will probably finish off the lentil soup I made yesterday along with, you guessed it, veggies and hummus!
Last night at 1am I was woken up by my roommate telling me she just saw my car get broken into. The suspect smashed my window and took my purse that included ID, debit/credit cards, gap gift card, itunes gift card, chapstick, and other things that aren't very valuable and don't mean too much to me but they will be missed. I stayed up for about 2 hours, my step father came and helped me tape up the window, sweep up the glass, tell me what I need to do today and pray for me. I went to sleep, called in sick to both jobs, and my sister drove me around to figure out issues with the bank, DOL, and police station to get the case number. Basically, I can't start a new account at the bank until I have my ID. I can't get my ID today because the DOL is not open on mondays. I don't have money because I can't get into my checking account which means I don't have money to pay for gas, for the glass to be repaired, or for my replacement ID. My bank did let me cash part of a paycheck I was gonna cash anyway, but that was against their rules. Jesus definitely showed me favor in that situation.
The good news is, my dad is a giver and is paying for a lot of things. Also, I knew that after last night, something was going to happen. You can't go through change and standing up against the enemy without him getting very angry and wanting to destroy what you've done. So, I say, too bad, I am a child of God, nothing you can do can harm me. My God is bigger, my Jesus conquered the grave. What else is there?
As far as the diet goes, I have done surprisingly well today. This is something that normally would have made me give up and eat some chocolate. But again, I have refrained.
Breakfast: Leftover oatmeal that I hadn't eaten yesterday.
Lunch: Veggies and hummus (my favorite obviously). Meat, beans, and rice in a tortilla. Yes, the tortilla was a flour tortilla, meaning it had wheat and gluten in it but I had already bought the tortillas and my mom keeps telling me to not go insane on this diet. So I thought about it, and I decided that I didn't want to waste the tortillas and I needed something to put all the meat, beans, and rice into. I would have been able to get corn or rice tortillas BUT, no access to my money.
Dinner: I will probably finish off the lentil soup I made yesterday along with, you guessed it, veggies and hummus!
Day 2
Today, I succeeded in turning down apple cinnamon bread, cheez-its, and the same chocolate on the living room table that I haven't gotten rid of.
I was scheduled to be playing piano and singing on my church's worship team and I had to be there by 8:30am. I was a little nervous because I haven't been getting a very restful night's sleep no matter how much sleep I get. I went to sleep at 11pm, woke up at 7am and felt very restful. Lifestyle working so far!
Breakfast: Oatmeal and strawberries, sweetened with agave nectar
After church snack: made-from-scratch refried beans and corn chips
Lunch: Lentil soup with tomatoes, onion soup mix, yellow curry powder, carrots, celery, etc.
Dinner: I wasn't very hungry and the number one rule of eating healthy is only eat when you are hungry. So I snacked on veggies and hummus.
Like I have stated before, this journey is one of a total mind, body, and spirit restoration. In the evening I went to my friend's house and we prayed through a lot of good, hard things. Basically, I looked over this very detailed list of things that one might struggle with and that could cause a spiritual open door to negative things. I listed everything that is an issue presently. Then I prayed through each one of them, only to speak out what they were and cutting off any control they had on me. I also went through each one and replaced them with what God's truth is. All in all, a very calm, peaceful prayer time. I came home around 11pm and went to bed, and prayed through the armor of God (Ephesians 6:12).
I was scheduled to be playing piano and singing on my church's worship team and I had to be there by 8:30am. I was a little nervous because I haven't been getting a very restful night's sleep no matter how much sleep I get. I went to sleep at 11pm, woke up at 7am and felt very restful. Lifestyle working so far!
Breakfast: Oatmeal and strawberries, sweetened with agave nectar
After church snack: made-from-scratch refried beans and corn chips
Lunch: Lentil soup with tomatoes, onion soup mix, yellow curry powder, carrots, celery, etc.
Dinner: I wasn't very hungry and the number one rule of eating healthy is only eat when you are hungry. So I snacked on veggies and hummus.
Like I have stated before, this journey is one of a total mind, body, and spirit restoration. In the evening I went to my friend's house and we prayed through a lot of good, hard things. Basically, I looked over this very detailed list of things that one might struggle with and that could cause a spiritual open door to negative things. I listed everything that is an issue presently. Then I prayed through each one of them, only to speak out what they were and cutting off any control they had on me. I also went through each one and replaced them with what God's truth is. All in all, a very calm, peaceful prayer time. I came home around 11pm and went to bed, and prayed through the armor of God (Ephesians 6:12).
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 1, January 2, 2010
Today is the first day of my new lifestyle. I successfully stayed away from the leftover christmas chocolate sitting in my living room as well as the wheat bread that I am addicted to for toast (which I will be replacing with rice bread).
Breakfast - omelet with stir fry veggies (that's all I had as far as veggies!)
Lunch - carrots with hummus (and snacking on the food my parents bought and are sharing with me)
Dinner - amazing stir fry! My mom makes the best! Lots of good veggies, ground turkey, special sauce my step dad makes, and brown rice.
Also today we have been cooking all day long. We have black beans, refried pinto beans, extra brown rice, lentils, and many things I am forgetting. We will be doing this cooking party every week with me paying my parents for some of the food. I will be doing my own grocery shopping as well for things that I personally want.
So far, I have stayed away from snacking on bad food. I have snacked, but on veggies. I will be buying rice crackers and other food items that are good for snacking.
The end of day one!
Breakfast - omelet with stir fry veggies (that's all I had as far as veggies!)
Lunch - carrots with hummus (and snacking on the food my parents bought and are sharing with me)
Dinner - amazing stir fry! My mom makes the best! Lots of good veggies, ground turkey, special sauce my step dad makes, and brown rice.
Also today we have been cooking all day long. We have black beans, refried pinto beans, extra brown rice, lentils, and many things I am forgetting. We will be doing this cooking party every week with me paying my parents for some of the food. I will be doing my own grocery shopping as well for things that I personally want.
So far, I have stayed away from snacking on bad food. I have snacked, but on veggies. I will be buying rice crackers and other food items that are good for snacking.
The end of day one!
Living Without
2010
The year without gluten, wheat, and sugar
I am going to blog about my attempt at this. Hopefully, if you stumble on this blog, this will help in your attempt or give you inspiration for healthy living.
The reason for going on this diet is for a few different reasons. Lately I have been having some depression issues. Rather than call this full blown clinical depression, I am trying natural (and supernatural) ways to curb the depression and make me a happier, joyful person. Plus, it couldn't hurt right?
I hesitated to have the word "without" in the blog title. Such language scares people away from attempting something like this. However, it is a fact that I will be living 'without' many different types of food. But this makes me creative! Sometime in the next few weeks I will be attempting gluten free cheesecake as well as many other recipes. Sometimes they will flunk in a taste test, but there are many tasty recipes out there as well as already prepared gluten free foods like pancakes, cake mix, etc.
Part of this journey is a spiritual one as well. I do not have the willpower on my own to even attempt this. I feel like this is what I need to do and God does not require us to do anything that we cannot do. So He will be my main supporter in this! Also, I have a feeling like many things are going to be changing this year and this year will be beneficial to mind, spirit, and body.
Thanks for reading!
The year without gluten, wheat, and sugar
I am going to blog about my attempt at this. Hopefully, if you stumble on this blog, this will help in your attempt or give you inspiration for healthy living.
The reason for going on this diet is for a few different reasons. Lately I have been having some depression issues. Rather than call this full blown clinical depression, I am trying natural (and supernatural) ways to curb the depression and make me a happier, joyful person. Plus, it couldn't hurt right?
I hesitated to have the word "without" in the blog title. Such language scares people away from attempting something like this. However, it is a fact that I will be living 'without' many different types of food. But this makes me creative! Sometime in the next few weeks I will be attempting gluten free cheesecake as well as many other recipes. Sometimes they will flunk in a taste test, but there are many tasty recipes out there as well as already prepared gluten free foods like pancakes, cake mix, etc.
Part of this journey is a spiritual one as well. I do not have the willpower on my own to even attempt this. I feel like this is what I need to do and God does not require us to do anything that we cannot do. So He will be my main supporter in this! Also, I have a feeling like many things are going to be changing this year and this year will be beneficial to mind, spirit, and body.
Thanks for reading!
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